The Person I Will Never Be

I like to entertain the idea that one day I'm just going to change something about myself. I'll see a friend do something or pass someone on the street or hear a story and think, "This is a thing I should incorporate into my personality." But I think it's time to admit to myself that there are a lot of things that, as cool as they would be, are never going to be part of my persona. Here's a list! (Incomplete, but whatever)

1. I am never going to be someone who winks. This is pretty sad because I'm awesome at winking and if you don't believe me, ask my friend Elyse because I used to wink at her excessively during our 10th grade history class (Elyse also likes when I shout her out on my blog. Hi!). And any time someone winks at me in a non-creepy way I'm all, "Note to self: do this." But I never have because I never think to do it. I should just admit that it's not going to happen.

2. I am never going to look nice for work. I am completely incapable of putting together a really sharp outfit and in the 10 months I've been at this job I've worn makeup to work 0 times. I used to have to wear a suit to work every day and I'm sure I managed to somehow even make that look mildly sloppy. I leave my house between 23 and 25 minutes after I wake up in the morning (showering at night: best thing ever) and I have no desire to add any time onto that.

3. I will never get seriously into yoga. Yoga is supposed to be all zen and calming but zen and calming are just euphemisms for BORING. As many of you know, I went through an obsessive Bikram yoga phase so this might seem like a weird thing for me to say, but Bikram yoga is anything but zen or calming because it's basically 90 minutes of feeling like you might die at any moment. I am nowhere near chill enough for the calming, spiritual type of yoga. I'm the kind of person who watches TV with her phone, her laptop, and a bowl of mac and cheese because if I don't have multiple things entertaining me at once I don't even know how to handle myself LOOK A SHINY THING.

4. Sarcasm will forever escape me more often than I'd like. This is totally baffling because I'm a supremely sarcastic person. But I probably miss at least a third of the sarcasm that people direct at me. And then I go, "WHOA REALLY?" and that person is all, "What? No." I don't understand it, but I've come to accept it.

5. Feminine wiles. Never going to have those. As a woman you're supposed to be able to flirt yourself into or out of any situation but I think I slept through that class in How-To-Be-A-Woman school. Also the one about crying on command. Which pretty much means I'm screwed and cannot get anything I want unless someone already wants to give it to me. Damnit.

6. Whiskey. I went through a phase where I tried really hard to become a whiskey person. I am not. Give me vodka or give me death. Or beer. Or wine or gin or tequila. Or even whiskey in a shot glass or a delicious mixed drink. Just not as something I'm supposed to sip and pretend like I enjoy the burning.

I have nothing to say so here are some pictures of me because I am obviously very vain

Or bored, whatever. Or, I just spent an hour writing a blog post about what unemployment is like but it's intense to the point of me not even wanting to post it yet. Whatever. So instead, here is what I guess people call GRATUITOUS PHOTO(s) OF YOURSELF time.

This picture is staged, calm down everyone. I swear I am fully conscious. And in New Zealand, not that you can tell. I was 19 years old and seriously, what kind of nasty drinks were we drinking? Blech.

The fact that I'm pretty sure my hair won't do this anymore makes me kind of sad.

I love this.

My friend was having a "dress like a president" themed birthday party. This is my test run of my outfit, which is fortunate since she ended up canceling the theme and I sadly never wore this ensemble ever again. God I love costume parties. AND THOSE CLOSETS. They are one of the few things I miss about Boston.

To tell the story behind why my face is in a cup of jello would take too long and no one would find it funny so...here you go. Let's just chalk this up to "college."

Yup. This happened. For real.

I think Lacey made me this South Park inspired avatar. Perfectly appropriate.

Dan sent me this shirt because I won some kind of contest. It is excellent.

Remember when I said before that my hair wouldn't do that crazy frizzy thing? I take it back. This is my excellent (if I do say so myself) impression of Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter Festathon. 

Well, I kind of can't believe that I'm actually posting this. Sorry everyone. Can we say, "filler"?

My favorite tweets of the past year (ish)

Don’t ask me why I felt compelled to write a post about my favorite tweets. I just did. So here are my 10 favorite maximum-of-140-character-length thoughts from January 1, 2010 until now. Reading them over, I think they do an eerily good job of summing up everything you might ever need to know about me as a person, aside from the fact that none of my many Glee-related tweets made this list. You can find my twitter here.

Currently reading the billionaires issue of Forbes. Bruno Mars noticeably absent. Better luck next year buddy.

I just realized that in Monster, Nicki Minaj rhymes “climb it” with “climate.” Can’t decide if that’s genius or cheating.

To everyone who may have inadvertently seen me with my hand down my shirt as I tried to rescue a raisin that fell down there: sorry.

I just responded to an evite without adding a witty comment. I don’t even know who I am anymore. In other news, people still use evite.

When I looked at the weather forecast for Chicago this weekend and saw that it said, “Windy,” I just started cracking up. Because, duh.

A crossword puzzle clue was “the study of plants.” What immediately came to mind? Herbology. #harrypotternerd4life

Sooo apparently Joseph Gordon-Levitt is filming a movie outside my apartment. Time to go see if I can somehow give him my number.

Just gave out the first of my new business cards. To the “win a free burger” jar. #notashamed

There are not nearly enough curtains in my bedroom for me to be walking around with this pore cleansing charcoal mask on.

Spending my Friday night ironing and baking. Because apparently I have morphed into a 1950’s housewife.

My sort of belated New Year's/new life resolution

I don't actually make New Year's resolutions because...well, for a variety of reasons, really. But somehow over the last month or so, possibly coinciding around the start of 2011, I made a new...life resolution. Well, it's sort of two related ones.

1. Do more things outside my comfort zone (like, try out for a tackle football team).
2. Try more new things/don't make dumb excuses to not do things I've been curious about.

So for example, back in December I saw that Linkin Park was coming to Madison Square Garden in February. I delayed in buying tickets because I'm a moron, and then when I finally tried to buy a pair, they had none left. At first I was bummed because I wouldn't be able to go, and then I decided that I just REALLY wanted to see them and if it meant going alone, so be it. So a few weeks ago I went to the concert solo, and it was fabulous. And really, why was I nervous about going to a concert alone in the first place? Never again.

Doing things alone is definitely a big part of my new resolution. I'm probably more comfortable doing things by myself than most people I know, but I still have a ways to go.

As another example, over the summer some friends and I were talking about going to a shooting range. Or more like, I was talking about going to a shooting range and they were willing to indulge me. "Organize a trip," they said. And I failed to do so because apparently there's nowhere in NYC where you can shoot a handgun without a license and like 6 months of training or something like this. Rifles do not excite me. However, when I saw a Groupon for the rifle range, I decided to take advantage because rifles are better than nothing and emailed all my peeps. And...no one wanted to go.

(Dear everyone: I hate when you do stuff like that. If you're not interested, just say so from jump, please)

Anyway, so I was all, "FINE I will go alone." And then I tried to buy it and deal was sold out. Wah.

Then another deal for the same place popped up on yet another Groupon site (PS I hope everyone else also uses "Groupon" in a generic sense much like other people use "Band-aid" or "kleenex") and I did not hesitate to buy it. So whenever I do that, it will encompass not only doing things outside my comfort zone, but also trying something I'm interested in and not letting dumb excuses get in the way.

My quest to be more adventurous has led me to buy all sorts of Groupons to the point where I'm banning myself from purchasing any more for the time being (unless something REALLY GREAT) comes up. Still yet to be put into use: 3 tennis lessons, a trampoline class (!!!!), a high fall stunt class (jumping 3 stories onto an air bag? OKAY YES PLEASE), Muay Thai boxing classes, a day with a personal shopper, and...too much more. I'm also starting a month of bikram yoga soon, and when all my other sporty things are over and I've moved into NYC, I'm going to start adult gymnastics classes so I can try to get my tumbly skillz back.

I also have some more ideas in the works for fun things I want to try, but more on that if/when they happen.

I'm excited about my new exciting life!

Don't worry, be happy

P has bestowed upon me this lovely award.


I'm certainly not the happiest blogger so I imagine it's for making others happy. Thanks, P!

In keeping with tradition, I'm not going to pass this along because I don't think I can name 10 people who read this blog on a regular basis. But I'll do the associated activity, which is naming 10 things that make me happy.

1. PUPPIES. That was a no brainer. Puppies puppies puppies! I could talk about cute dogs all day long. And I often do, in fact, thanks to Crapface who is equally into talking about puppies.
2. FRIENDS. I know, that was also a no brainer. Everyone would put this on their happy list. But I do love getting to spend time with my favs.
3. GLEE. Whatever, Glee totally makes me happy. And I'm not ashamed to shout it from the rooftops!
4. BUFFALO WINGS. I would probably attempt to eat a brick if you told me it was slathered in buffalo sauce. Yum.
5. FUN NIGHTS OUT. One of the best feelings ever is waking up in the morning, possibly hungover but only to the point of needing food (as opposed to the hangovers where you want to die), recalling fun and ridiculous things that occurred the night before but still knowing that you didn't do anything stupid. I had that this morning. Win.
6. FAMILY. Obviously. As I think the last post demonstrates, my family is a special breed of insane. Only the good kind.
7. DANCE PARTIES FOR ONE. I would be lying if I said I didn't bust a move by myself to whatever crappy pop music is on the radio. Sometimes it includes singing. However painful to even my own ears, still joyous.
8. A GOOD BOOK. Having a book you canNOT put down is pretty much the best thing ever.
9. LAS VEGAS. Blackjack. In-N-Out. Clubs. More In-N-Out. Everything about Vegas is heaven. Which is why I'm hoping I have the money to go to Bloggers in Sin City babyyyy.
10. MONEY. Look, I know money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of the things that lead to happiness. And frankly, not being poor > being poor. Anyone disagree? I didn't think so. If only there was a time in the foreseeable future when I won't be poor. One day.

That's it, kiddos.

A different anniversary

Today is the 10th anniversary of when I got my knee surgery.

I have no idea why I remember things like this yet I can't tell you what happened in the last book I read, but there you have it.

For 10 years I've had a pretty big scar on my knee that for a few months caused me to be pretty self-conscious. After another few months I grew into accepting the scar, and now I flat out just don't notice it until people point it out and ask me about it (which, for the record, I am totally cool with). I do notice other peoples' scars, though, and then we bond over being ACL buddies. 4life.

When the surgeon went in to repair my torn ligament, he saw that the cartilage was so messed up that it was beyond repair. And so he took it out. I now have no cartilage in my right knee, which means I am strictly forbidden from running and taking stairs unless I want to have arthritis at 30. I don't. This, along with the fact that there is a tiny spot on my knee that never regained feeling after the operation, and the thankfully very rare bout of pain, are really the only ways in which the surgery affected me. So hip hip to that. Plus, I like to think that the scar gives me character.

If I'm going to have an "injury" for 10 years (as I am forever saying I have a bad knee, because it's sort of, kind of technically true), this is a pretty good one to have.

And in case anyone cares, I tore my ACL doing hurdles at a high school track meet. After I hobbled off the track, I started crying. Not from the pain, but because I was in the lead when I fell and I would have won. Not that it really mattered, since even though I had only competed in one meet, I did well enough (i.e. I came in first out of all 3 schools competing) that I still lettered in track that year. God I'm awesome.

Over the top indeed

The wonderful Lacey gave me an award! For having an over the top blog! Hooray (is my blog really over the top? Me thinks not). Even though I don't generally do anything with these awards and fully do not plan on passing this along, I'm going to do the associated survey because...it's my party and I'll do what I want to. Biatch. Here goes.

1.Where is your cell phone: on my desk
2.Your hair: is down. Sort of wavy, sort of straight. Sort of blonde. Sort of not.
3.Your mother: is hilarious
4.Your father: is super smart
5.Your favorite food: buffalo wings! Or really, anything coated in buffalo sauce. I'd probably eat a slab of cement with buffalo sauce on it. Yum.
6.Your dream from last night: don't remember any. Booooring
7.Your favorite drink: I love water. And root beer. And my new alcoholic drink is a vodka soda.
8.Your dream/goal: to frolic in a field of puppies. For realz. How awesome would that be!?!?
9.What room are you in: living room
10.What is your hobby: volleyball, blogging, reading
11.What is your fear: insects, small rodents, throwing up in non-bathroom places
12.Where do you want to be in 6 years: I hate this question. I'll see when I get there.
13.Where were you last night: at my friend Carolyn's house for dinner. Lasagna, vino and chocolate cake. A+.
14.Something you are not: employed
15.Muffins: What's the question here? I like muffins. Corn muffins are good. Blueberry. Banana nut. Chocolate chip. Whatevs.
16.Wish list items: a new wardrobe, money, more hours in the day so I don't run around like a crazy person trying to balance school and work
17.Where did you grow up: Queens and the Jerz, baby
18.Last thing you did: went to class? put on pajamas? Look, my life is boring. Deal with it.
Where's number 19?
20.Your TV: is playing Top Chef
21.Your pets: my parents have an awesome dog. I have all the lovely dogs that I watch on youtube
22.Your friends: are sometimes punks. But the good ones are extra good. Love. Them.
23.Your life: is a glorious shit show.
24.Your mood: tired
25.Missing someone: actually..no. Haha. Sorry kids.
26.Vehicle: it's called the subway. Or the T. I lack wheels.
27.Something you're not wearing: a fedora. Sure, let's go with that
28.Your favorite store: H&M
29.Your favorite color: blue
30.When's the last time you laughed: uh. Probably at my speech today. At my own funny story about how the only time I ever went to a catholic mass I thought I had to make out with everyone at the end. Long story.
31.When's the last time you cried: March 16th. The date is wholly insignificant but somehow I still remember it anyway
32.Your best friend: I have several. They are sass-tastic, and that's how I like it.
33.One place you go over and over: School? My house?
34.One person who emails me regularly: Lacey
35.Favorite place to eat: Kashkaval on 9th Ave in NYC. YESSSS.

Okay, that was boring.

Also, I will post about my talk at some point. It went superb. Superbly. Superbly? Is that a word? Sure.

Arielle, this is your life!

One of the best parts of my program is a speaker series called TALK '10 (I graduate in 2010, yo) that one of my classmates started last year. Every few weeks, 2 classmates will give 20 minute talks about their lives, with some PowerPoint slides of pictures up in the background. After that, there's 20 minutes for Q&A. Attendance isn't mandatory, but each talk gets a decent turnout from fellow students and a few faculty. It's been pretty amazing listening to my classmates tell their stories, as everyone who's gone so far has had really great things to say.

The pairings have always been sort of theme based. We started off with 2 people who had started their own businesses, moved on to 2 military stories (this talk was f'ing INCREDIBLE), and finished out last year with 2 tales of working in Washington. The first talk this year was by 2 international students who told stories from back home and what differences they faced when they came here.

The next talk is on October 14th, and is more ethnicity/culture based. One of my classmates will talk about what it was like growing up half-Persian in a supremely white area. He is paired with...ME. ACK.

My talk will be focused on telling my grandparents' stories from the concentration camps, being the only not-super-religious family at an orthodox Jewish private school, and other fun things like how I accidentally majored in Judaic Studies in college (for those of you who read my other story recently...it's a lot of overlap with that). And even though it's not related, I'm going to talk about my 3 years working in NYC because being a veteran of a no-longer-existing investment bank is pretty cool.

I'm pretty excited to give this talk, and opening emails from my mom with lots of pictures from my childhood and organizing them in PowerPoint has been great. But on the other hand, I'm pretty nervous. I'm pretty sure my life has not been nearly as interesting as the lives of many of my classmates, and I don't want people to come away from my talk thinking it sucked and that I was a bad choice. I also imagine that a lot of people will come primarily to listen to the guy I'm speaking with (people definitely have strong opinions as to who they think is fascinating enough to listen to for 20 minutes and they voice them openly whenever a discussion of who should be picked for TALK '10 comes up. I probably fall into the category of "not interesting enough"). So I feel like I have to impress those people.

I will probably post about it again as the talk approaches, and I'll let everyone know how it goes. The email announcing the talk hasn't come out yet, and I'm sort of curious to see if anyone asks me about it before the event happens.

But in the meantime, I will keep putting my slides together, reminiscing about my childhood, and thinking of what stories to tell to fill my 20 minutes.

I have a problem

This is very serious.

I am an irresponsible umbrella owner. There, I said it.

I am constantly without an umbrella in the rain. It's not that I don't own an umbrella. In fact, I currently own 2. I just never seem to have it on me when I need it. But my problem, unfortunately, goes oh so much further than that.

I lose umbrellas like other people lose, well, anything. Sunglasses, cell phones, tempers. I really suck at umbrella ownership.

When I was living in Manhattan, I was constantly buying $9.99 umbrellas from Duane Reade (the NYC answer to CVS, though they have CVS too, of course) because Duane Reades are about as populous as Starbuckseseseses and I pretty much always know where to find one when I need a quick umbrella fix. The problem with these umbrellas is that they're pretty crappy and I have definitely broken my fair share of them. Also, sometimes they grow legs and run away. That's the only excuse for why I lose them. Right.

Since moving to Boston, I have purchased four (4) Duane Reade umbrellas in New York. That's right. I still manage to have a void of umbrellas when I need them in a city I don't even live in anymore. How many trips have I taken to NYC since moving to Boston? 6, maybe? That means that it has rained on my Manhattan weekends about 67% of the times I've been there, and also, that I pretty much never check the weather before I leave Boston.

Do you know how many of those 4 umbrellas I still own? One. Just one.

When I went to NYC in October for my 25th birthday blowout, I bought an umbrella. I left it at my friend Anna's apartment. When I came back 2 weeks later, it was gone.

When I visited this past weekend, I bought an awesome bright yellow umbrella at about 4 PM. At about 7:45 PM, I left it in the bathroom at the awesome Mr. Broadway pageant and didn't realize it until 3 hours later when I was walking in a torrential downpour trying to figure out where the F my stupid umbrella went. That's over $2.50 an hour for umbrella usage because I didn't even own the damn thing for 4 full hours.

The third one? I couldn't even tell you where it got to.

I've been keeping Duane Reade's umbrella business going since 2005. Mark it down.

I think the fact that I can't take care of an umbrella means I'm not ready for a dog. Damnit.

Something you really needed to know about me

I am a very fast pee-er. Peeer. Peer. Whatever. The point is, SPEED.

One thing that really sucks is being first in a long bathroom line, and waiting...and waiting....and waiting for someone to finish up their business and let you go into the stall. It's like you're oh so close and yet oh so very far at the same time.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, PEOPLE?

Look, I'm not stupid. I know what kind of things might be taking place in the bathroom. But if there are 5 stalls, I'm going to assume that at least one person is having a completely normal pee. And if I'm waiting for 5 full minutes and there isn't even so much as a flush, I'm going to get angry.

I just don't get how it takes so many women SO LONG to go to the bathroom. I mean, I go in, I do my thing, and I come out. People often remark to me that I was fast, but I sort of have to wonder why everyone else is...not fast. I fully admit that while I take pretty quick showers, I understand how some people take longer because sometimes, standing under the hot water is just awesome. But really, what's the appeal in just sitting on the toilet? Nothing.

To all the women in the world, here is my plea: HURRY THE F UP. The rest of us have to pee.