Oh yes, a Bongo Jordy update

While I was at dinner tonight with Lacey and Kate, Kate asked what was going on with Bongo Jordy. Ask and ye shall receive!

While I'm pretty sure that he sent me some emails long enough ago that they have since been purged from my gmail trash, I have exactly FOUR emails still in there that were sent on February 23rd. And here they are:

When I find something, I'm concerned about why, so I try to commit myself or commit suicide. What did I do to distance myself from you, I hate flowers that remind me of sunny days, go ahead and judge, I do every day, cause the sun so bright makes my nights decay, I sit alone in the dark jealous of the sun that looks upon your face.

God's paintbrush is real that's what I can't grasp.

Revolution doesn't. smell too good.

The world is made up of icy individuals, lets melt that ice!

I don't even honestly know what some of these mean. But I am very happy that it has officially been over a month since I've heard from him. Is this the end? Let's hope so.

Advice wanted in the Bongo Jordy department

Okay, so hopefully everyone is up on the Bongo Jordy saga. Even though I blocked his phone number and got Gmail to send him an auto-reply every time he emails me that says I no longer use this email address, he still emails me! What gives?

I seriously think this kid is bipolar. He won't email me for like 3 weeks and then he sends me multiple emails all at once. He must be emailing me on his good days. Or bad days. I can't tell.

In any case, here are a few of the emails I've gotten from him in the last 10 days. But first, a question - do you guys think I should send him an email that essentially says GO THE FUCK AWAY, or should I just keep ignoring him forever? I want to get rid of him but I'm nervous that he's going to take any response from me as interest and send me even more emails. Also, if I respond to an email then it shows I've clearly been lying with the fake auto-reply thing. Argh.



Hey Ariel sorry about those messages I got really hammerd that night, I know you probably don't want to keep in touch, so I'll be brief, please? Anyway I enabled my text again so If there is a chance for me to redeem my stupid medsages my # is (number redacted because I'm nice!), again sorry about that, bye.

We could grab some sushi or something?

Ok lets put this in perspective, rather than the Israelites fleeing Egypt after the plagues and eventual emancipation, they suddenly then realize they have a complete lack of dignity decide to stay in stick around in Egypt demanding equal opertunities and fare treetment by the evil Egyptians. Next they pass a laws that make it illegal not to have a certain amount of Isrealites working in every big Egyptian company, next they make a bunch of horrible music, and then well you get the picture they become prone to crime and become a huge burden with little to no discretion whatsoever.

Come on sushi tonight?

Hi, I would really like you to respond to me so I could quite acting like a jack-ass. No pressure just would like it if you would, bye.

Ok how about a blended sushi margarita? (ed note: ew?)

This just in Katie Curick is a robot sent from the future to destroy humanity.

People are always praising someone If they save someone else's life, but what about those who make another life? Think about it we could be heroes.

Wheel of Fortune doesn't hold a candle to Jeopardy, I don't even know why its still on the air.

When you sleep I will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt you can't get rid of. (ed note: FRIGHTENING)

If you can give me another chance I will be really happy, I know your a nice person, and realize you are probably just not nice to jerks, and I admit that I have been acting like one. So I will just say I'm sorry and I hope you don't think of me in that light, sorry again Arielle.
Love Jordan


Okay, I think that's quite enough. There were plenty more than just those, believe you me. So, thoughts? So I come out of hiding to tell him to go away or just stay quiet forever? Help meeeee!

Emails from a crazy person

So I sort of predicted that the Bongo Jordy thing wasn't over. And..I was right.

Last time I wrote about him I had stopped responding to him and he had sent me a few more emails. Over 2 weeks later, I still haven't acknowledged him in any way, and the emails from him even stopped for about a week. But recently they've been back with a vengeance. So I'll post some here, summarize others, and ignore more. Whenever I start a new paragraph it means it's a new email. So, bask in the sheer volume, please.

For those of you on the official Bongo Jordy email list: there is a lot of new material here. Something for everyone!

OK you're mission if you choose to accept it is to make yourself into a human bomb and detonate yourself in a public place. And for your honourablity and bravery you will be rewarded with hundreds of virgins in a cloud like atmosphere. Good luck!

Last night (Monday) I screen a call from him. The voicemail says something to the effect of, "I'm so sorry about the messages. I want to get together with you. Sorry. Really sorry. Let's meet up. Call me. Sorry. Let me know. Sorry."

This morning when I woke up I had TWO more voicemails from him. The first one, in his words but shortened: "You talked to me before, you're rude not to answer my emails. I do not text. Texting is for teenagers. You're sexy, but this doesn't give you the right to not respond to my emails. I'm nice and I know what's up. If you're seeing some other dork, fuck that dork. I will give you Bahamas. I will give you love. Frankly, I just like you. I think it's fucked up that you're ignoring me. I'm the overall package."

The second: "Arielle, it's Jordan. Please call me back. I'm alone in the city and it sucks. I'm asking you for a little mercy. I'm a good guy. I'm smart. Call me. Bye."

Then when I got to work, a barrage of emails started. So yes, ALL of the emails below came TODAY. Also, one of my first orders of business at work today was to figure out how to block his number. This I did successfully.

I was really drunk I'm sorry about that, I went on a date, made out with her she drank to much, I drank to much she made me leave the bar after she came on to another Guy, and he started to hit on her, I got made, went outside slipped on my ass twice and spranged my ankle badly, then went home and called every girls number that I had(including the girl I went out with) and begged basically for theme to call me. Horrible night and Im sorry. But I sprang my ankle and fell on my ass twice, hard if its any consolation. Also I really think she took the Guy home,(he looked exactly like tiger woods) I swear he could have been his double, worse night I had in a long time.

And did you know Beethoven was deaf?

Also did you know that Jesus is the Messiah?

I don't drink too often, but when I do I tend to over indulge, which can send people the wrong message literally and figuratively. So I would like to apologize for my rash behavior and rather abrubt and random persistence which I'm sure you find unduly anoying and or frightening. I am a normal Guy before more than three drinks, tend to casually return into that state about 7 hours after initial consumption of the said alcohol in question. I would also like to note that I am nice person and very optimistic. I also feel I have a bright future that will be financially secure. I also plan to further my education by attending law school of which I am currently studying the pre-qualifing LSAT exam. Again sorry for abstrusive montage of letter, in which my hand though beligerant wrote. Thank you

So what I like the t.v show One Tree Hill, particularly the theme song, who doesn't right?

Back to Arielle talking! In this next email, Jordy tells me he's writing a screenplay called "The Lunch Club," and then proceeds to describe The Breakfast Club. FUNNY. Not.

And did you know Van Gough never sold a painting in his life.

Then he sent me another unsolicited picture (this is the 3rd) and GOD I AM SO NICE FOR NOT POSTING IT. I still think he's cute, actually. Too bad he's a crackhead/alcoholic.

I'm moving to Seattle if you want to come with me you can, we can get married, if not it was a pleasure not talking to you.

Ezra shmezra, he' a hypocrit Moses himself married an Ethiopian woman.

There's alot of oysters but no pearls.

Do you like the band third eye blind?

Then he sent me this picture, which I just don't get.


That was this afternoon. When I got home from work today I set up a filter on my Gmail account that not only sends his emails directly to my trash, but also sends him an auto-response saying that I'm no longer available at this email address.

Will he get the hint? Who knows. I used to be flattered by the attention but um...suffice to say I'm way past flattered and onto fully creeped out.

Bongo Jordy: the end of an era

If you haven't read part 1 of the Bongo Jordy story, read it here.

When we left off, Bongo Jordy was trying to tempt me over to his apartment on Saturday night by being creepy. Monday morning, I had this nice little apology email for all his cray cray:

Sorry about last night I was joking with you because you said you were drunk, I'm not some sexual pervert, tell you the truth I haven't done it in almost three years so I can manage it, just wanted to say I was joking and I'm sorry for being foolish. Really Im not one of those kinds of people, you know what I'm talking about nymphomaniacs or whatever. (SWOON CITY, obvi).

When I read that email I knew (okay, I knew before this, let's be real) that Bongo Jordy may in fact be certifiable and that I should stop responding to him. So I haven't acknowledged him at all since Saturday night but still, he persists. He then decided to email me his thoughts on...well, lots of things pop culture. Examples:

(After asking me when i was free so he could buy me a margarita somewhere): I know I'm no Harry Potter, but dammit if I can't pretend to cast spells with my magical wand in times square!

Ok also what's up that stupid movie Twilight, some stupid skinny white chick can't decide either to pick some rich English vampire or some stupid Indian ware wolf, I mean really and Indian that turns into wolf, what are you going to do with that, 'honey I need to go to store, can you turn into a giant wolf so you can run down there." Whereas the cool vampire has a bitchen audio with a dope house. Come on seriously she can't decide?

Oh and another thing, what's up with Woopi Goldberg? - she looks like some kind of rastafarian Buddhist. Really people want her view?

Okay, the Twilight email (there was another one that I opted out of posting) was sort of hilarious. Indian "ware wolf, "bitchen audio," I mean, COME ON. But still. Bongo Jordy, you're donezo.

I hadn't heard from him in awhile, but then Wednesday night I got this one:

Hey those messages were quite dumb, and I know there's a lot of different guys in the sea, but is not a man with fidelity worth more than rubies?

I mean...just stop.

That's all....for now. I sort of have the feeling that I haven't heard the last from Bongo Jordy.

Bongo Jordy

AKA, the story of how one man embarrassed his way onto my blog. And my blocked list. Or something like that.

It all started about a month ago. Lacey, Nicole and I were meeting up for margaritas and tater tots at Trailer Park Lounge. I got there early so I stood outside waiting. There was a guy there smoking a cigarette, and I did what I always do: I ignored him. But then he started talking to me, and this is how it all went down. My internal comments are in italics. And because I'd rather not call him "BJ," let's just go with "J."

Bongo Jordy: Alicia?
Arielle: No.
J: ....Alicia.
A: No.
J: Alicia...the topless drummer from the nude beach?
A: What? No. (WHAT THE FUCKKKK)
J: Oh, sorry. You looked like someone I know from--
A: Yup, got it. Not her. Not Alicia. Not a topless drummer. Never been to a nude beach.

To be honest, I don't totally recall exactly how the rest of the conversation went. Some of it was more normal. Some of it involved this guy telling me that he grew up in Tahiti and learned to play the bongos and now he plays at a bar downtown and maybe I should come see him play sometime and seriously, ask anyone for Bongo Jordy and they'll know him. I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth but I was sort of amused so I gave him my number when he asked. And then Lacey and Dave arrived and I went with them inside.

So of course, Nicole had been waiting inside the entire time and within about 3 seconds we got the full report of the weird guy creeping out every girl up in this place and yes, OF COURSE it was the same person that I just gave my number to. Nicole was all, RED FLAGS, SEE THEM WAVING and I was all, meh, the damage is done and he was funny. And kind of cute.

About a week later, the first text message came. Here are some highlights from the first few days:

J: Lady love don't turn on me. I'm just a student of your history. (umm)

A: You were pretty drunk when we met if I recall.
J: Kinda. But I climbed a mountain and I turned around.
A: Did you see your reflection in the snow covered hills? (Please. I know Fleetwood Mac when I see it)
J: A wee bit, but I mostly saw you.

J: Can I send a photo?
A: Maybe tomorrow, going to bed. Goodnight.

If you think I didn't have a picture in my text messages the next morning, you'd be wrong. He said it was a picture of him trying to be "sophistical." On a scale of 1 to 10, how much I want to post the picture here: 11. But I won't. Later that day...

J: I drowned then I found, it was a dream, I got lost in the frost that covered your window sill.
J: Crappy poetry, the window sell is metophoric, like looking in on a locked place, u know. [sic sic sic all up in this poorly written text]
A: Next time you can spare me the poetry (He later told me this line of poetry was inspired by the new Harry Potter movie. WHAT?!)

At some point after Thanksgiving, he asked if I was in school or work or whatever. He said when he was in school he "majored in bongo playing with a minor in salsa." I said I'm done with school.

J: Let me guess you majored in being beautiful and studied breaking hearts in your spare time. (Cringe)

There was some more awkward texting after that, and then I didn't hear from him for a week or 2. On Friday night, the plans I had ended early and I was bored, so I texted him, "Hey how are you?" No response. FINE.

Saturday at around 1 PM he called me. I normally don't think I would have answered except for the fact that I was already drunk (more on that later). So I talked to him briefly, and he told me that he disabled outgoing text messages (whaaat?) but we could email back and forth if that was cool. And I said it was which may have been the biggest mistake EVER.

The thing is, the reason I was drunk at 1 PM on Saturday is because it was Santacon. I was dressed like an elf, pounding Four Loko, in a cab with my friend Lauren on our way to meet up with a few hundred other people all dressed as Santa or other holiday characters. And despite having a smartphone, I had no intention of checking my email every 2 seconds or even really every 2 hours while I was out and about. This fact was apparently lost on Bongo Jordy. So while he said email was the same as texting to him, it most definitely was not to me.

By the time I checked my email a few hours later, I had 4 emails from him:

1) ok so this is mine, but I do like the sound of your voice maybe I can call instead? If yes, cirlce yes, or if no circle no in the below box, thanks.

Yes ( ) No ( )

2) The same email as number 1. Only sent an hour later and formatted differently which means he definitely rewrote it and resent it. Seriously.

3) Well I'm doing fine thanks for asking bye.

4) So I guess that is ya. (English???)

Eventually I responded and explained that I was out at Santacon.

J: Ok please don't sleep with anybody, one your drunk, two it make me jealous even though I don't know you that well it still would for some reason, o.k. thanks. (And this is where I mark the official turn for the worse)
J: I have a big bed you can sleep here if you like, no funny biz. I swear. (Just need to note that these are separate emails that he writes me WITHOUT ME RESPONDING. Oh, and I'm cutting out some of his emails too which means...STOP EMAILING ME)
A: Sorry, I'm staying on the UWS tonight.
J: Is UWS some kind of hotel?
A: Haha no, it's Upper West Side.
J: Yeah I know it was a joke, so ya that's fine go stay with another guy then on the UWS. (First of all, I don't get your joke. Second of all...aa;slkdnfvfaoiwefsd)
J: Ok pardon my petty jealousy, anyway have a big bed if you want to sleep in, thanks.

Okay, this post is getting way too long but let's just say he reminded me that he has a big bed to sleep in, then called me a binge drinker for being drunk by 10 PM (er, I started drinking at 10 AM Saturday but WHATEVS), then told me he really is a "caring and gentle lover." To this I said, "haha."

J: Glad you think that my pasionate embrace is a joke, but trust me all the women who I have made sweet love too have said repeatedly, sometimes even in police reports, that it was something they cannot forget. So you be be the judge.

And I need to stop this super long post now. But OH GOD, BONGO JORDY WILL NOT GO AWAY. So I'm going to have a Bongo Jordy post part 2. Because this is ridiculous.