Leave a message after the...never

I'm something of a social coordinator. I like to keep up with what's going on in NYC and I pretty frequently send out emails, to anywhere between 1 and 30 people, trying to see who wants to join me for what (note to my friends: for every email I send there are at least 2 things I decide not to try to organize so be thankful I don't send MORE than I already do).

In actuality, I'm kind of the worst social coordinator ever, because only a small percentage of my grand plans turn into anything. It's not so much that the things I want to do aren't fun (heavens no!) or that my friends aren't fun (except sometimes that IS true, nerds), so much as I find it more or less impossible to get in touch with some people.

The problem? People have stopped reading emails.

You know who still uses the phone? My grandma. And no one else. (Note to self: call Grandma tomorrow, it's been too long)

I am a pro-emailer. I email like nobody's business. I see an email, I take care of whatever needs to be done in it, I respond in a timely fashion if necessary, and delete that shit so it's out of inbox out of mind.

Not everyone is as good as I am at email and to those people, I say: HOW THE CRAP DO I GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU?!?

At my dodgeball game last week, I asked my friend if she was coming to Bootie NYC. She had no idea what I was talking about.

"Dude, I sent two emails about it."

"Oh..umm...yeah I'm bad at reading emails."

WHAT THE F. I mean, I'm just at a total loss.

Look, everyone. I'm not going to call you. I hate talking on the phone most of the time. And especially if I'm trying to get in touch with multiple people, or I want to talk to you regarding something way in the future, it makes zero sense for me to call. Or text message. I email. And so does everyone else. IF YOU DO NOT READ EMAILS, IT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

I remember over the summer sending an email to some people about lord knows what, and a week after the event I got this response: "Oh sorry, I didn't see this because I don't check my email when grad school isn't in session."

At that point I pretty much just up and died because did that REALLY happen?!? Yes, apparently it did.

How is it that in a world where we have more ways to get in touch than ever, where it is becoming increasingly more difficult to disconnect for even a hot second, that it is somehow also becoming more difficult to get in front of people? Do I have to somehow get a Youtube video of myself to go viral in order to get everyone to get the messages I want them to get? Because really, as awesome as I am, I just don't see the rest of the world being that into me sitting in front of a camera going, "Guys, there's a crazy dance party in Brooklyn on Saturday and we should go. Also, one hour of open vodka bar and if we get there before 10 it's only $5. YES I KNOW IT'S BROOKLYN BUT SERIOUSLY IT'LL BE FUN PLEASE LET'S GO OKAY THANKS."

Blah. Friends, help me help you...do awesome stuff in New York. Okay? Okay.

Because it's been too long since I've posted about Glee

As we all know, I am pretty much pro-Glee all the time. But seeing as I'm sort of an adult and can look at things critically, I'm able to look past my insane obsession and recognize its faults. If I were 17 and not 27 I'm pretty sure I'd think Glee was capable of doing no wrong. I was stupid when I was 17.

Proof: The day I got into college, I was pulling into my school's parking lot on my way back from lunch, and I saw my friend Rebekah. I was so excited to share the good news that I found a parking space, leapt out of my car and ran over to her. Afterward I went back to my car to get my backpack, and I realized that I had locked myself out of my car. With the keys in the ignition. While the car was running. Thanks, Tufts, for not post-rejecting me. Anyway, I digress.

The thing about Glee, as much as I love it dearly, is that sometimes the music just flat out sucks. In fact, a few weeks ago Lacey and I were wandering around Toys R Us (don't ask), and she commented that sometimes Glee sounds like Kidz Bop, and I have to agree.

So I've compiled a few lists of Glee songs. They are in no particular order, FYI.

8 Glee Songs Which, I'm Sorry to Say, Totally Butchered the Original Into A Million Sad Little Pieces
1. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler. BLECH. GARBAGE. AWFUL.
2. Somebody to Love - Queen. I know this is one of Glee's most popular songs. I used to like it until I re-listened to the original. The Glee version strips this song of all emotion.
3. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen. It's not that I think you can't touch Queen so much as this SUCKED.
4. Gold Digger - Kanye West. Note to Matthew Morrison: you are super sexy but please do not rap ever again.
5. Baby One More Time - Britney Spears. This was actually painful to listen to. Quite possibly the worst Glee song ever.
6. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z, Alicia Keys. Puck - please see #4. That goes for you too.
7. One - U2.
8. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen. Okay, yup, another Queen song. Sorry.


8 Glee Songs Where the Originals Were Undeniably Awesome and Hard to Match but Where Glee Did A Very Respectable Job
1. River Deep, Mountain High - Tina Turner. SAY WHAT YOU WANT. It's Tina, I know. But Glee totally rocked it and I don't even currrr.
2. I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles. Amazing. That's all.
3. Hello, I Love You - The Doors. Finn was hot singing this. WORK IT.
4. Like a Prayer - Madonna
5. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga. Love the mix of voices on this one
6. Valerie - Amy Winehouse. Amy has a crazy ass voice but Santana did a pretty good job on this.
7. Start Me Up - Rolling Stones/Livin On a Prayer - Bon Jovi. This mashup was fabulous.
8. Proud Mary - Ike and Tina Turner. What can I say? Glee likes Tina.

10 Glee Songs Where Glee Dominated the Original
1. Hate On Me - Jill Scott. I just like Mercedes' voice better than Jill Scott's. Wham.
2. The Only Exception - Paramore. I'm biased because I hate Paramore. WHATEVER.
3. Dream On - Aerosmith. 3 words: Neil. Patrick. Harris.
4. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars. So adorable. I loved this whole episode.
5. The Dog Days Are Over - Florence and the Machine. TINA! Killed it.
6. Teenage Dream - Katy Petty. This is a no brainer because I hate Katy Perry and the Glee version was sung by an a cappella group from Tufts. WIN.
7. 4 Minutes - Madonna/Justin Timberlake. Mercedes as Justin and Kurt as Madonna? Yes, please.
8. Faithfully - Journey. I almost couldn't bear to put this down since I'm not crazy about the rest of what Glee has done to Journey, BUT..I must give credit where credit is due.

Advice wanted in the Bongo Jordy department

Okay, so hopefully everyone is up on the Bongo Jordy saga. Even though I blocked his phone number and got Gmail to send him an auto-reply every time he emails me that says I no longer use this email address, he still emails me! What gives?

I seriously think this kid is bipolar. He won't email me for like 3 weeks and then he sends me multiple emails all at once. He must be emailing me on his good days. Or bad days. I can't tell.

In any case, here are a few of the emails I've gotten from him in the last 10 days. But first, a question - do you guys think I should send him an email that essentially says GO THE FUCK AWAY, or should I just keep ignoring him forever? I want to get rid of him but I'm nervous that he's going to take any response from me as interest and send me even more emails. Also, if I respond to an email then it shows I've clearly been lying with the fake auto-reply thing. Argh.



Hey Ariel sorry about those messages I got really hammerd that night, I know you probably don't want to keep in touch, so I'll be brief, please? Anyway I enabled my text again so If there is a chance for me to redeem my stupid medsages my # is (number redacted because I'm nice!), again sorry about that, bye.

We could grab some sushi or something?

Ok lets put this in perspective, rather than the Israelites fleeing Egypt after the plagues and eventual emancipation, they suddenly then realize they have a complete lack of dignity decide to stay in stick around in Egypt demanding equal opertunities and fare treetment by the evil Egyptians. Next they pass a laws that make it illegal not to have a certain amount of Isrealites working in every big Egyptian company, next they make a bunch of horrible music, and then well you get the picture they become prone to crime and become a huge burden with little to no discretion whatsoever.

Come on sushi tonight?

Hi, I would really like you to respond to me so I could quite acting like a jack-ass. No pressure just would like it if you would, bye.

Ok how about a blended sushi margarita? (ed note: ew?)

This just in Katie Curick is a robot sent from the future to destroy humanity.

People are always praising someone If they save someone else's life, but what about those who make another life? Think about it we could be heroes.

Wheel of Fortune doesn't hold a candle to Jeopardy, I don't even know why its still on the air.

When you sleep I will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt you can't get rid of. (ed note: FRIGHTENING)

If you can give me another chance I will be really happy, I know your a nice person, and realize you are probably just not nice to jerks, and I admit that I have been acting like one. So I will just say I'm sorry and I hope you don't think of me in that light, sorry again Arielle.
Love Jordan


Okay, I think that's quite enough. There were plenty more than just those, believe you me. So, thoughts? So I come out of hiding to tell him to go away or just stay quiet forever? Help meeeee!

The best idea I've ever had. Ever.

It all started when someone asked me to explain the story of Chanukah.

Now, I KNOW the story of Chanukah. However, during my retelling I realized there were a few details that escaped me - namely, the name of the Jew-oppressing king, and over which of the Jews' many friendly neighboring nations he presided.

This led me to wikipedia, where I was able to brush up on the Chanukah-related knowledge that I've lost since I learned all this stuff in Jew school years ago. One link led to another, and I ended up spending a good chunk of time reading about different Jewish holidays and writings and Old Testament characters.

It was a pretty upsetting experience, actually, because I seriously knew all of this stuff at one point in time. But I sadly lack the kind of spongey-brain that others do and instead of retaining anything I learned in school, my brain is filled with useless song lyrics, how to count from 1 to 10 in Tamil, and all the minute plot lines from Glee episodes, even the ones they abandoned after one episode (remember when they kicked Finn off the football team for a day? Why even bother?).

And then it hit me.

I, and probably many other people, would remember stuff that happened in the bible if they made it into a TELEVISION SHOW.

I am so beyond serious.

The bible (and by that I mean Old Testament, because I do not proclaim to know even the first thing about the New Testament except maybe there's a Matthew and a Paul and a Jesus) has so much interesting and crazy stuff in it that it would actually make for a really awesome TV show.

Picture it:

God sits around (voiced by either Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones, clearly), kind of bored.

"Ho hum, how do I entertain myself from now until eternity?"

BLAST! Light! BLAST! Trees! BLAST! Animals! BLAST! People!

God: Alright Adam and Eve, hang out here in the garden. Your life will be awesome. Just don't eat from this one tree.

Snake: EVE! Eat from this tree! It's soooo yummy!

Eve: Okay, if you twist my arm...

God: EVE! You idiot, you ruined it for everyone. Now people are going to have to deal with FIRE and WAR and JUSTIN BIEBER.

I can imagine the conversations people will have about it the day after the episodes air.

Friend 1: DUDE did you watch The Bible Show last night? I can't believe Cain killed Abel like what the crap man THAT WAS SO CRAZY, HIS OWN BROTHER!

Friend 2: Aw come on man, give me a spoiler alert next time I didn't get to watch yet!

There is just so much awesome material here. You have fathers almost sacrificing sons and epic floods and wars and lots of wine consumption and sexy sex (even incest!) and deceit and fights with angels and all through it is AWESOME GOD smiting people left and right.

God: Pharoah you ass, Moses asked you like 100 times to let his people be freed from slavery in Egypt. Cue the blood! Frogs! Locusts! Boils! Super thick darkness! Slaying of the first born children! And all those other plagues including HAIL FILLED WITH FIRE.

There isn't much that's more badass than hail filled with fire.

God: Sodom and Gomorrah! Ya'll are a bunch of Sinner McSinsalots. FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!
God: Oh by the way, Lot and Family, when you're running away from Sodom and Gomorrah as they burn to a crisp, don't look back or ELSE.

Lot's Wife: ::turns around::

God: Did you learn nothing from Eve!?!? Why don't you people listen to me when I tell you not to do things? ::turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt::

You get the idea.

I would watch this show. I think a lot of people would. It would be an action-packed show with a large enough cast to create a job for every struggling actor in Hollywood and it would be amazing.

Mark my words.

One of New York's simple pleasures

Defaced posters are one of life's most underrated simple pleasures.

To be clear, I don't actually do the defacing. But there's something about walking on the subway platform and looking at all the hastily drawn moustaches, devil horns and blackened teeth that just makes me smile.

Some person, armed with a Sharpie, probably felt SO badass as they sneakily marred the grin of the main character in some upcoming movie. Or maybe they thought they were being really clever when they drew in a nice thought bubble above someone's head that read, "I wish I wasn't such a horrible actress!"

I like to think that if I were famous and I came across a defaced poster of myself, that I'd have a good laugh about it and then maybe take a picture next to it. I don't even think I'd get mad. The world needs more petty, harmless crime like this and fewer shootings and bullyings.

What is really all boils down to is that I just find this stuff hilarious. I love a good internet meme but sometimes, my friends, you just have to kick it old school.

Arielle's dictionary

As you all know, I recently joined seemingly everyone else in the world and got a smartphone. I occasionally like to go through the user dictionary on my phone and delete all the words that I typed by accident when I was either drunk or just too lazy to correct my typos. I see this as maintenance and a way of ensuring that these words have a lower chance of popping up in further emails/texts/etc.

I noticed that, in only 2 months, I have amassed quite a personal dictionary of words I've taught my little Droid to know. Here are some examples. They typically fall into a few categories:

Words Where I Choose to Extend One Letter For Entirely Too Long
Amazinggg
Awesomeeeee
Babyyyy
Craaaazy
Everrrr
Hoorayyyyy
Lataaaaa
Nerdddd
Noooooo
Wtfffff

Words Related to Drinking and/or Generally Going Out
Bev
Bouncer
Hungover
Loko
LOKOOOOOO (some overlap in the categories, it seems)
Margaritas
Partaytay
Pregaming
Shithoused
Whipahol

Words That Are Just Flat Out Not Real Dictionary Words
Awk
Badass
Barf
Bihotch
Cougartown
Deets
Frowny
Hobos
Inappropes
Totes

I also could probably dedicate entire sections to variations on curse words (Fuck vs. fucking vs. FUCKING) and offshoots of the word "haha" (ahaha, hahahaha, HAHA).

Essentially what this boils down to is that...I have the vocabulary of a 15 year old girl. Nice.

The odd woman out

I am now going to write about a very important topic. I hope you're ready.

At some point during business school, over the many weekends that I stayed with various friends in NYC, I realized something very strange. I noticed that one of my friends puts her bras on upside down and backwards. She clasps it in the front, then turns it around and flips it up and puts it on.

I saw this go on (without seeing any boobs, for those of you who are wondering, hello any men reading this) and was all, "Are you 13 years old? Put your bra on like an adult." I thought it was totally crazy that a grown woman would still do this. I put my bra on the way it's supposed to go on. I clasp it behind my back and it takes me all of 3 seconds.

The next time I was out at dinner with the girls, I took an informal poll as to how people put their bras on. And you know what I found out?

EVERYONE PUTS THEIR BRAS ON UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS.

Further polling has given me similar results.

I mean, what the fuck?

I was flabbergasted. Everyone was all, "wah wah it's easier, it's so hard to do it when you can't see." PEOPLE! Do men not take bras off without seeing? I mean sure maybe it's easier to open than to close but some guys can do it with one hand and my friends, I most certainly cannot clasp my bra with one hand so I'd say we're about even. Me and the men, that is.

Also, I do this every day. Most men probably don't deal with bras every day. And if they do, well, lucky them.

For realsies, though. Am I the only woman out there who took the time to struggle through putting a bra on PROPERLY, much in the same way we struggle to learn to tie our shoes? Sure, at first it's a little slow but after doing it like, 10 times you get the hang of it. I swear, I will race any chick out there who puts her bra on backwards like a 12 year old and I'll win. Even with one of those bras with 3 clasps.

Okay, the idea of this race is pretty weird, so feel free to not hold me to it. But you get the idea.

What is this world coming to when women refuse to learn a simple task? Dear women out there: if you have an itch on your back, let's say, right around the spot where your bra usually is, can you reach back and scratch it? Can you write legibly between the lines on a sheet of ruled paper? If you answered "yes" to both of these, congratulations! You are both flexible enough and have strong enough fine motor skills to be able to put your bra on without all the twisting and whatever else. Try it out sometime.

Is anyone with me on this?

The best part of 2010

I'm not going to do a full recap of 2010. Babies were born, friends got married, relatives passed away. Degrees were obtained, moves happened, jobs were gotten. You get the idea.

I'm also not going to post any resolutions for 2011 because I don't really have them. I could come up with some if forced to, like, "Try to maybe only have 1 vodka soda too many on a Saturday night instead of maybe FOUR vodka sodas too many." But I don't typically think about these things.

Instead, I'm going to post my favorite Youtube video of 2010. There were a lot of great ones this year considering the double rainbow guy and Antoine Dodson, but this one just cracks me up every single time and makes me realize that even though I currently cringe at the thought of ever having children, if I ever decide to go down that route, there will be moments like this to look forward to. It's not actually from 2010 but I didn't discover it until this year and I was missing out. So were you.