If you read Peter Dewolf's blog, you're likely familiar with his series where he writes letters to his future wife. Well, Peter decided to challenge his readers to write their own future spouse letters, and for some reason I decided to take him up on it. I guess I thought it would be good to force myself out of my comfort zone - you know, by somehow trying to incorporate my signature cynicism in with his signature nauseatingly romantic series.
He clearly got the "challenge" part right, because it took me a long time to even start writing this post. But better late than never, I suppose. Here goes.
Hello, sexy future husband,
I'm excited that you're here. Because if you are, it means I've found someone so insanely, incredibly awesome that I was willing to share with you not only the rest of my life, but the other half of my bed.
I'm sorry about the bed thing, by the way. I know you hate that I insist on sleeping as far away from you as possible, but rest assured it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that I'm a finicky sleeper and I want to get my requisite 10 hours so I can be all the more pleasant tomorrow.
What's tomorrow, you ask? Nothing big, just a regular Saturday. I imagine the morning will go something like this:
I roll out of bed sometime around 10:30 and see that you, truly my better half, managed to get up and go to the gym before I even woke up, and now you're sitting on the couch, eating some eggs and listening to NPR. I stop to say good morning on my way to brush my teeth, and manage to fake-whine about a) ew, you're still gym-sweaty, b) why didn't you make meeeee some breakfast even though you know very well that I don't like eggs?
You respond by grabbing me into a sweaty bear hug, and then going to the kitchen where you pull out a box of Lucky Charms that you bought for me on your way back from the gym.
This is why I love you.
So you eat your eggs and I eat some Lucky Charms (dry, picking out all the cereal bits first while separating the marshmallows into separate piles on our coffee table). I sit annoyingly close to you, watching over your shoulder as you do your fantasy football or baseball or whatever that I still don't understand or care for despite your 100 attempts to explain it to me or get me involved. I will insist on interrupting to tell you that there are only 3 shooting star marshmallows in my bowl of Lucky Charms yet there are 17 pots o' gold and AGAIN there seems to be some kind of weird new marshmallow and I would be able to tell what it is if only I wasn't too lazy to go get the box.
You look at me in that way you often do, which seems to say, "You are so completely weird but somehow I still find you adorable." And then you quickly grab all 7 horseshoes and stuff them in your mouth. You bolt off to take a shower before I can land a punch on your arm.
As we get ready for the day, we discuss who else is going to be at this day-drinking birthday party, and how best to get there from our Brooklyn apartment. I become quiet for a moment and then say, "Hey! I bet that when we get back here, I'll be drunk enough that I can fall asleep even while cuddling! GET EXCITED!"
You laugh and grab my ass. And then we head out.
Dating and stuff
OKAY ACK a few people called me out for mentioning that I went on a date but not actually talking about it. SORRYYYYY.
The reason I didn't say anything about the date I went on is because it was completely unremarkable. Actually the guy was cute and nice and I cannot think of a single thing wrong with him aside from the fact that I didn't really feel any chemistry. Do people feel chemistry on first dates when you meet on the internet? I feel like I could never feel a spark with someone that I met under such contrived circumstances. But then...I'm totally weird (read: fucked up) when it comes to men and dating. Anyway I never texted the guy after our date and he didn't text me either and...that's that.
On a related note though, due to a whole host of reasons, I'm on JDate (again, after a several year hiatus). I can't say I'm thrilled about it but hopefully this time goes better than the last time. Which is to say, I hope no older men IM me, turn on their webcams, and then perform calisthenics in front of the camera with no pants on.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME. It was horrifying.
Semi-related to men and dating, I am desperately trying to make my way through Fifty Shades of Grey right now. Except IT SUCKS. I was under the impression that this book would be so bad that it was good, except it's so bad that it's terrible and I actually want to hunt down the author and punch her in the nose. The writing is so bad it offends me and the sex parts are...not that sexy? This is a terrible horrible no good very bad book. Whatever. Maybe if/when I finish I'll write more about it because I have some strong feelings about this garbage.
And finally, my blog is all pretty now! Click through and check it out, yo. Ashley at Little Leaf was fantastic to work with and I'm proud to show off my fancy new blog (only I'm too lazy to put anything in the top navigation buttons so umm those are blank for now but whatever I WILL GET TO IT ONE DAY).
The end.
The reason I didn't say anything about the date I went on is because it was completely unremarkable. Actually the guy was cute and nice and I cannot think of a single thing wrong with him aside from the fact that I didn't really feel any chemistry. Do people feel chemistry on first dates when you meet on the internet? I feel like I could never feel a spark with someone that I met under such contrived circumstances. But then...I'm totally weird (read: fucked up) when it comes to men and dating. Anyway I never texted the guy after our date and he didn't text me either and...that's that.
On a related note though, due to a whole host of reasons, I'm on JDate (again, after a several year hiatus). I can't say I'm thrilled about it but hopefully this time goes better than the last time. Which is to say, I hope no older men IM me, turn on their webcams, and then perform calisthenics in front of the camera with no pants on.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME. It was horrifying.
Semi-related to men and dating, I am desperately trying to make my way through Fifty Shades of Grey right now. Except IT SUCKS. I was under the impression that this book would be so bad that it was good, except it's so bad that it's terrible and I actually want to hunt down the author and punch her in the nose. The writing is so bad it offends me and the sex parts are...not that sexy? This is a terrible horrible no good very bad book. Whatever. Maybe if/when I finish I'll write more about it because I have some strong feelings about this garbage.
And finally, my blog is all pretty now! Click through and check it out, yo. Ashley at Little Leaf was fantastic to work with and I'm proud to show off my fancy new blog (only I'm too lazy to put anything in the top navigation buttons so umm those are blank for now but whatever I WILL GET TO IT ONE DAY).
The end.