THE LIST

The following is a conversation about dating that I had today:

Crapface: so...let's meet some guys this summer
Crapface: preferably non-dbags!
Arielle: good plan!
Crapface: nice high standards
Arielle: it's a start
Crapface: no criminal record?
Arielle: minimum bachelor's degree
Arielle: must live in manhattan?
Crapface: has a bed and doesn't sleep on the couch in the living room like one of the guys i dated 1L?
Arielle: doesn't regularly update wikipedia entries on obscure japanese cartoons like someone i dated a few years ago? (i use the word "dated" loosely here)
Crapface: man, it's amazing how many dealbreakers there are in this world
Crapface: you don't even know about all of them
Crapface: until you get to them and you're like "what?!? get a bed!"
Arielle: i have a list
Crapface: i do too but i didn't know i needed to include "doesn't disappear for 5 days to make a desk in an upstate carpentry mill"
Arielle: that's why you can always amend the list

Since I don't think I've ever posted THE LIST here, I figured now is a pretty good time. A few years ago, I was discussing with a friend the many types of people that I wouldn't date. He grabbed a pen and paper and started writing everything down. Though we forgot about the list for awhile, it resurfaced somehow and now exists as a t-shirt that also includes my name, picture and phone number. However, he refuses to give me the t-shirt until I agree to wear it in public. Which I have yet to do.

And now, the list of people I won't date! Only the ages have been updated since the list's original creation. My friend's original phrasing and commentary is still there.

1) Hobo
2) Visibly riddled with illness
3) Looks over 34
4) Looks under 25
5) Attractive...No?!?
6) Girls!
7) Beard (Rabbi level)
8) "Shorties"
9) Visibly bad/no teeth
10) No speaka da English
11) Albinos
12) Anatomically incorrect (6 fingers OK) (Ed note: This refers to things like missing arms and legs. Not..you know. Though that's important too)
13) Freakishly tall (6'9")
14) Noticeably Republican
15) Annoyingly religious
16) Too many tattoos ("ahh tattoos" level)
17) No makeup (non retroactive) (Ed note: Japanese cartoon guy wore cover up, I found out. Not okay)
18) Sketchy conversational opener (cat call, "you got a boyfriend?")
19) Noticeable gas problem/BO
20) Blood relatives (extra retardo babies)

And..there you have it. THE LIST.

The one time where living near college students is awesome

Crapface: MAN i love this puppy cam
Arielle: boo, our internet is still not fixed and i am using the spotty "HannahMontana" network
Arielle: so videos dont work for me
Crapface: hahahaha
Crapface: how fitting
Crapface: there is one in my building too!!
Arielle: HannahMontana?
Crapface: yes
Arielle: hahah, awesome
Arielle: do you also have trannietime, two chicks one dick, or hookerswanted?
Crapface: um no, but your building sounds awesome
Arielle: or perhaps POUND TOWN?
Crapface: tranny time sounds like an awesome public access show
Crapface: hahahaha
Arielle: i think its fairly obvious that i live near college students
Crapface: man
Crapface: i love it

Crapface: i just realized that i have a motherfucking 6 day weekend
Arielle: oh man
Arielle: thats awesome
Crapface: TRANNY TIME
Crapface: oh, wait

The Miss America Pageant: Because Saturdays are meant to be spent in sweatpants

The scene: In my living room, decked out in a very sexy head-to-toe maroon sweatpants/hoodie ensemble. Oh, and can't forget the glorious nap socks.

The event: Miss America 2010, yo

Who I want to win, in this order:
1. Miss New York (obvi)
2. Miss New Jersey (also obvi)
3. Miss North Carolina (she's an AOII, sisters4lyfe)
4. Miss Nevada (because of my love for Vegas)
5. Miss Louisiana (because of my love for New Orleans)
6. Miss Massachusetts (obligatory but not genuine)

The Opening
8:01 PM: I could have choreographed a better opening dance than this
8:03 PM: In her intro, Miss Alaska made a joke about not being able to see Russia from her house. I'm putting her above MA on my list of hopefuls.
8:07 PM: I FUCKING CALLED IT, MISS NEW JERSEY MADE JOKES ABOUT JERSEY SHORE!!!

Proof:
(08:05:26 PM) Arielle: what are the odds that miss new jersey will say something about jersey shore?
(08:05:38 PM) Crapface: hahahahah

(08:07:34 PM) Crapface: you called it
(08:07:37 PM) Arielle: YESSSSSSS
(08:07:41 PM) Crapface: hahaha 10 points

Sorority joke from another AOII sister, via Crapface: "I hope NC's talent is 'take your man around the corner.' " (If you were in any sorority, or possibly even a fraternity, you will probably get this. Non-Greeks, sorry).

8:12 PM: Clinton Kelly looks like crap. Crappity crap. Oh Clinton, lose the facial hair.
8:19 PM: OH MY GOD SHAWN JOHNSON IS A JUDGE. Love. Her.
8:20 PM: Rush Limbaugh is a judge too? Was everyone picked out of a random grab bag o' moderately famous people?
8:27 PM: Miss Indiana is ass ugly. Sorry.
8:28 PM: Miss Hawaii is a semifinalist! I'm excited to see her because her talent is...hula (shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior) (yes, I sort of did some research yesterday)
8:30 PM: Miss Nebraska looks OLDDD

(08:30:00 PM) Crapface: she looks ancient
(08:30:02 PM) Arielle: she looks old

8:31 PM: Okay, the only person out of my top picks that made it to the semifinals is Miss Louisiana. Bummer city.

The Swimsuit Competition
8:40 PM: Look, you can SAY the swimsuit competition is about health and fitness, but you're not fooling anyone. You want fitness? Let's see these bitches benchpress.
8:42 PM: My girl Miss LA is practically spilling out of her top. Somewhere in NOLA, beads are being thrown at the TV screen in her boobalicious honor.
8:49 PM: LOUISIANA MAKES IT TO THE EVENINGWEAR ROUND. Hell yes.

The Eveningwear Round
8:54 PM: Oklahoma stumbles on the stairs. Plus, her dress looks like a weird mermaid fin gone awry.
8:56 PM: Virginia's BRIGHTER THAN A HIGHLIGHTER yellow dress hurts my eyes.
8:57 PM: Colorado's dress legit looks like she played that game in Super Mario 3 where you have to match up the 3 pieces of the mushroom or the flower or whatever. From the thighs down it looks like a completely different dress.
8:58 PM: Texas stumbles before she even gets to the stairs. The bottom of her dress looks like it was made from a shag carpet.

The Talent Competition
9:08 PM: If Shawn Johnson has anything to do with it, the ballerina will get cut. Because ballet is like gymnastics only wussier.
9:09 PM: Virginia is singing that song from Dreamgirls that Beyonce sings about 80 times better. Virginia, when it comes to Dreamgirls, you can't touch Beyonce. Or Jennifer Hudson. Or even Mercedes from Glee. GOD I MISS GLEE.
9:14 PM: Louisiana made it!! WOOHOO! (They're calling people one by one). She's a pretty dope piano player.
9:22 PM: Watching Nebraska "jazz dance" is like watching the audition rounds of So You Think You Can Dance when some people REALLY SUCK and you can't tell if the whole thing is a joke or if they're serious.
9:24 PM: Tennessee, you do NOT have the pipes to do "I Will Always Love You" justice. Let Whitney do Whitney's thing.
9:27 PM: Texas's little pop-up video style fun fact just said "Is inspired by Batman." Umm WHAT!?!
9:31 PM: I am underwhelmed by the hula. P.S. You know you've been affected by pop culture when you keep writing "hulu" instead of "hula."

The Question and Answer Round
9:43 PM: These are all pretty bogus, fluffy questions and answers.
9:44 PM: Louisiana makes it to this round too! Yeah babyyy. She pretty much sucked and didn't even answer her question properly.

The Reveal
4th Runner Up: Miss Kentucky
3rd Runner Up: Miss Louisiana (DOH, you were my girl Louisiana!)
2nd Runner Up: Miss Tennessee
1st Runner Up: Miss California
I am totally predicting Hawaii for the win. Saying it RIGHT NOW.
The winna is....Virginia (I lose).

9:58 PM: Virginia just mouthed "THANK YOU JESUS!" and her mom is wearing an inappropriately short dress. I hate her already.

Aaaaand scene.

Surprisingly, not drunk

Crapface: hof i lobr dsu urd yo yhr ftrdd
Crapface: HAHAHAHA
Arielle: um
Crapface: oh my god, i wasn't looking at the keyboard
Crapface: my fingers were off by one
Arielle: hahahah
Crapface: i meant to say "god i love say yes to the dress"
Arielle: thats amazing
Crapface: slightly hilarious
Arielle: ive totally done that but not with entire sentences
Crapface: i mean, usually i try to look at what the fuck i'm doing
Arielle: paying attention = overrated

Personal sleeping space

Many of you out there know that I'm a pretty picky sleeper. No noise, no light, no nothing. You probably also know of course that I am severely possessive of my bed space and pretty much hate sharing beds with anyone. And as I know some of you have experienced, I have no qualms about waking your ass up in the middle of the night to tell you to move over.

Crapface and I were having a conversation about being possessive over sleeping space. This was the highlight.

Crapface: i love having space in bed
Arielle: yeah i dont look forward to having to share a bed with someone every single night
Crapface: i mean i'm all for hanging out near someone
Crapface: but when it is time to sleep...
Crapface: get on your side!
Arielle: seriously
Arielle: and dont let so much as a finger cross over into my side!
Crapface: and don't steal my damn covers
Arielle: and also, probably i need some of your side too
Crapface: or my pillows
Crapface: hahaha
Crapface: fact
Crapface: i need to roll over a ton
Arielle: im pretty sure that i have the ability to just take up as much space as i have to sleep in
Arielle: because i used to have no problem sleeping in a twin but now that i have a queen i definitely roll back and forth across it
Crapface: you're like a goldfish
Crapface: you just spread out to the size of your environment

Mmm...cheese

I talk to my friend Crapface on gchat for approximately 16 hours a day. There have been many occasions in which I have contemplated posting our gchats because Crapface is awesome. However, I hate reading other peoples' gchats and have never read anyone's convo on any blog (except this one) and been amused. However, I'm going to start posting some awesome excerpts because this is my blog and I want these preserved, damnit.

And here begins, Conversations with Crapface. I have edited out irrelevant parts.

Crapface: i wish i had string cheese
Arielle: i have string cheese!
Crapface: IF ONLY WE WERE TOGETHER
Arielle: the possibilities!
Crapface: i would also settle for some of those round little babybel cheeses in the red wax
Arielle: ooh yum
Crapface: any sort of small cheese product
Arielle: the tiniest cheese of all time
Crapface: tiny cheese, giant cheese!
Crapface: any kind of cheese!
Crapface: soft cheese, hard cheese!
Crapface: one cheese two cheese
Crapface: red cheese blue cheese!
Arielle: i do not like green eggs and ham, i do not like them BECAUSE THEY AREN'T CHEESE
Arielle: um
Crapface: hahahahaha
Arielle: failed
Crapface: that was well done
Crapface: did your elementary school try to feed you guys green eggs and ham?
Arielle: no, my elementary school was jewish
Crapface: mine did, and i refused
Crapface: i remember it being slightly traumatic
Crapface: i don't like eggs!
Crapface: i don't like them in a box
Crapface: i don't like them with a fox
Arielle: i don't like them either, actually
Arielle: i don't like them in the air
Arielle: i don't like them in my underwear
Arielle: ew
Arielle: that came out wrong