On Friday night I went to one of the craziest dinners pretty much...ever.
Dans Le Noir is a restaurant where you eat a delicious 3 course meal completely and totally in the dark.
Yup. That happened. It was insane.
Eating without any light whatsoever makes you experience food in a completely different way - you don't fully know what you're eating because all you have is the guidance of the generic menu that you chose beforehand (meat, fish, vegetarian, or a surprise), so you use your hands and your tastebuds to try and figure it out (it isn't finger food and you have silverware available to you, but since you can't see anything you definitely need to use your hands at least somewhat).
I don't know if there's anyone who really enjoys being blindfolded or otherwise unable to see, but I definitely don't, so this was an interesting restaurant choice for me. When I was first seated at the table, I became completely disoriented by the fact that my eyes were open yet I could not see A DAMN THING. Usually your eyes adjust to the dark, but since there's no light in this restaurant at all, that never happens. My body went into full-on panic mode, and I felt eerily similar to the way I felt right before the only time I've ever fainted (which happened a few years ago). I was light-headed and dizzy and a little nauseous (which, FYI for anyone who might want to go to this restaurant, I'm pretty sure is not normal because no one else seemed to be anything other than a little freaked out by the darkness).
Thankfully, though, I realized that if I closed my eyes I calmed down immediately, since, you know, I'm used to not being able to see when my eyes are closed. And after a minute or two I was able to even keep my eyes open and enjoy the meal.
The experience ended up being completely awesome, and when they showed us the full menus after the meal I was surprised by how much I had guessed correctly. My dining buddy and I were also pretty impressed with ourselves for managing a system where we swapped the "surprise cocktails" that we had ordered so that we could try each others' drinks.
Another thing about the dark? It completely breaks down social boundaries. We sat at a table of 10, and even though we were 5 pairs of people that didn't know each other beforehand, conversations blended between pairs and groups because without visual cues, you often couldn't tell if the person next to you was addressing their friend, you, or everyone. At one point I definitely yelled across the table at someone a few people away from me because I overheard him talking about his food and it was clear he was eating from the same menu as I was (the meat menu, FYI) and I wanted to compare notes.
Good times. When I emerged from the room I was extremely grateful to have my vision back (unlike the waiters, who are actually blind).
And of course, here all the Stratejoy posts that you may have missed and that I forgot to link to:
- The time my attempt to not drink for a month went up in flames
- The big deal about beauty
- Sometimes you need to remind yourself to just keep swimming
- On the desire to push my own boundaries by letting go
- Defining my own version of freedom
- The time I did a crazy Bikram yoga class in the middle of Times Square
- Another one about what I learned from not drinking
50 Shades of Suckitude
Monday, July 9, 2012
Labels:
Arielle's least favorite things,
Books
After suffering through 50 Shades of Grey, I needed to get my thoughts about this horrible book down on paper (or blog, whatevs).
I've recruited a few others to also post reviews of this book, because the world (and by "world" I clearly mean "the 3 people who read my blog HEY Y'ALL, LOVE YOU") needs to hear from a few women who have some semblance of a brain and who realize that 50 Shades is a seriously pathetic excuse for literature.
Here is a handy list of why this book is probably the worst thing I've ever read. Ahem:
1) The story takes place in 2011. Our "heroine," Ana, is a 21 year old college student. She does not have a computer. She does not have an email address. I mean...okay. If I ever encountered someone in real life without an email address I would BANISH THEM FROM LIFE. Except I don't have to worry because only in this weird world where gingers are sexy and stalking people is endearing would this actually happen.
1b) Yes, Christian Grey, who, we are reminded constantly, is so insanely attractive that women pretty much melt into puddles all Wicked Witch of the West-style when they see him, is a ginger. HAHAHA OKAY.
2) No one in this book sounds like a real person. People do not seriously say "shall," E.L. James. I don't care if you're a middle aged British woman. Get with the programme (see what I did there?).
3) There is a character named Jose, and he very frequently says, "Dios mio!" If any of you reading this are Hispanic, on a scale of 1 to 10, how offended are you? If I had to guess how many Hispanic people E.L. James has actually met, I'm going to go with...zero.
4) Look, I really don't want to go that much into the sexy sex parts. Mostly because I'm not particularly well-versed in erotic fiction, and I'm definitely not at all well-versed in having totally unrealistic sex. But I will say this: if you read this book because you've heard about how it's revitalized marriages and you want to turn your love life up a notch, DO NOT READ PAST THE SEX PARTS. The prose is honestly so awful that it will take any amount of turned on that you might be and douse it with a bucket of ice water. To the soundtrack of 1,000 crying babies. With the smell of garbage on a hot summer day invading your nostrils. As in, it's a fucking buzz kill.
5) On that note, why is this book so popular with mothers? There are no moms here. Unless you count Christian's mom randomly coming by his house and not being bothered by his new lady friend with sex hair. Which I don't.
6) I think Ana is some kind of robot. She apparently hates eating. Every time Christian asks her if she's eaten (which, FYI, is totally weird), she
gets all sheepish and "Whoopsiesssss totally guilty of not having eaten
today!" as if she's a 5 year old who just got caught stealing cookies
from the kitchen counter. WHY DOESN'T SHE EAT? I mean sure, every so
often I forget to eat or don't have time to, but mostly, NO, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS EVERYONE FUCKING EATS.
7) Related to #6, why
on earth does this book talk about Darfur so much? I mean, why does it
talk about Darfur AT ALL? I know that Christian had some weird
upbringing where he was hungry all the time and that's why he's so
controlling about Ana's food intake and also why he helps out Darfur (?????),
but I kind of feel like this is E.L. James's way of saying, "Hey guys
I’m going to talk about a serious issue now and I'm totally not stupid
because
I’m socially conscious and stuff, what?” Also, I get that he wants to feed people, but doesn't he want to do something about the genocide? PRIORITIES, CHRISTIAN. Also, maybe read a newspaper, E.L.
8) Ana bites her lip a lot. I just tried to bite my lip and look sexy doing it. I failed. In fact, I kind of look like a scared chipmunk. Does anyone look sexy doing this? (Disclaimer: I don't look sexy doing anything, so...fine).
9)We hear a lot about Ana's subconscious, and also a lot about her inner goddess. WHAT IN THE WHAT. First of all, if you anthropomorphize your subconscious, I think that negates the whole "sub" part of it and DOING IT WRONG, E.L. Also, I don't know about you guys, but my subconscious maybe gives me weird dreams sometimes, but it definitely does not yell at me or look at me or anything that one of my besties would do. Because it's not a person. And the inner goddess? Who is this? Her inner slutty sex kitten? Why are these 2 different entities? What is even going on here? IS THIS REAL LIFE?
10) Typos. I wear "sandals," but apparently in this book, you wear "sandles." Does this book have editors??? Were they so blinded with pathetic mommy porn passion that they couldn't even think straight?
Sigh. And eye rolling.
For more hilarious reviews of 50 Shades, check out the Snark Squad, and this amazing article by Julieanne Smolinski.