What women talk about when they don't talk about men

When I think of something that I might potentially want to blog about, I write it down in the notes section of my phone. Often Sometimes I come up with these ideas when I'm drunk, so many of them never get used because while I do believe "in vino veritas," I also believe, "in vino, what the fuck was I thinking that idea is dumb." (My Latin is limited, I apologize).

One of the blog ideas in my phone says, "Are we only going to talk about dating for the rest of our lives?", which I think was written down after a boozy brunch many many months ago and which sort of accurately reflects the sense of mimosa-fueled despair that I was feeling at the time. Not despair about actually dating, but despair about the fact that sometimes it seems like no one talks about anything else. And I'm not sure I can go on like this.

Don't get me wrong - I love complaining about the lack of nice, normal men in New York. I could be a regular contributor to any site dedicated to creepy OK Cupid messages, and I spent all of 3 days on Tinder before I decided that I'm not cut out for the type of flirty repartee that it requires in order to be successful. In fact, here's a sample convo I had from those 3 days:

Tinder guy: What's your bra size?
Arielle: What's YOUR bra size?

See? I just can't indulge these people. But I digress.

Brunch is the perfect time to talk about dating - the weekends are when all the dating-y stuff goes down, and Sunday afternoon with your besties is a perfect time to dissect all that. The problem for me is that it's all the same. And it's been all the same ever since we were 22 and had just moved to the city. I love my friends and want to know what's going on in their lives, and of course I want to be able to talk to my girlzz about what's going on in my life, but how many times can we hear the same, "met a guy at a bar, we exchanged numbers, I never heard from him again," story before we feel like we're in some kind of Clockwork Orange-esque torture chamber?

So I kind of just have to wonder - is this all there is for us? For the rest of our lives? Or the rest of our single lives?

I'm not even unhappy being single. In fact, I think us single folk are doing a service to society. If not for single people in New York, what would happen to all the TV sitcoms? And rom-coms? And chick lit? And other 'coms' or rhyme-y things that always seem to focus around dating in New York?

So I'm happy to be doing my civic duty, navigating the city's choppy romantic waters, fighting the good fight so people can have their unrealistic movies about relationships that never seem to reflect anything real but that we consistently expect that real life will turn out that way anyway. I do this for YOU, America! And I do it proudly, except I guess I'm getting a little tired of all the repetitive discourse around it. The guys who didn't call, or the "should I wait at least 24 hours before responding to this text?" and that kind of nonsense.

I still want to hear the stories, of course. The good ones. Like the time you went to a show and a hot guy started talking to you and you were all, "What? Hot guys never talk to me, what is this and who are you, guy with the sexy blue eyes?" and you talked for like 15 minutes and then the hot guy dropped a casual, "I'm a student at NYU..." and you realized that this person was literally about 10 years younger than you.

If stuff like that happens to you, I want to hear about it. That actually happened a week ago to someone I know. Her name may or may not be similar to that of a fictional mermaid and she may or may not be the owner of this blog but NO MORE REVEALING DETAILS.

So what's the solution here? I guess I don't really have one because as long as women are single and as long as the men in New York are creeps and/or jerks, we're going to need to vent about it. But maybe instead of harping on things, let's think of some potential alternative conversation topics. For when the going gets really rough. Here's a starting list.

- Ironic hipster glasses - redundant, or an oxymoron?
- Puppies - if you had one, what would you name it? (Dr. Theodore Waffles). Sub-question: if you already have a puppy, can I come play with it?
- Benedict Cumberbatch - why do people think he's hot? He looks like an alien.
- The Winter Olympics - aren't we glad they're over? (Yes)
- The world - there's important stuff going on! Let's discuss in between complaining that our mimosas have too much OJ.
- Colors - what the fuck is chartreuse?
- Books - are you reading a good one? Recommend it to me so I can add it on Goodreads!

Etcetera.

JDate Strikes Again

I don't think it's any secret that online dating for me has more or less been a spectacular failure. Not in that I've gone on horrendous date after horrendous date, but that I can't even seem to get to the "going on a date" stage with anyone before they show me their true crazy-and-or-creepy colors.

To demonstrate, I just want to tell you all a story.

Recently, I was messaging back and forth with a guy from JDate. I wasn't super into him but decided to get over myself and just go with it anyway.

Last week, he messaged me and said, "I think texting would probably be easier. Here's my number."

The next time I logged into JDate, which happened to be 5 days later, I messaged him back: "Sure, sounds good. Here's my number."

On Saturday evening, I emerged from the subway and immediately whipped out my phone to call my friend Lauren, as we were meeting up to go to the Jay-Z concert. I noticed that I had a text message that said, "Hey it's Zack from JDate," but since I was hurrying off to the concert I decided not to respond until later.

2 hours later, the concert was over and I saw yet another text message from him: "Nevermind, I'm not interested in you."

This was the point at which I wrote him off, as his only basis for being upset would have been the 2 hours that I didn't respond to him, in which case, CALM DOWN YO. But I decided to take the high road. Our text conversation, which happened over the course of the next 45 minutes or so as I was traveling from the concert to my friend's party, is as follows:

Arielle: Okay. I just wanted to say hi and that I've been in a concert all night and not looking at my phone.

Zack: What concert?

Arielle: Jay-Z

Zack: White girls at a Jay-Z concert? He really does have 99 problems.

Zack: You took forever to respond to my message, and then you didn't even text me, you just emailed me your number. That's not attractive to say the least.

Arielle: Sorry, I've just been really busy lately. If that's not okay with you, that's fine.

Zack: Why are you even on JDate if you're not going to make dating a priority?

Arielle: I'm really sorry but I'm at a party and I can't talk right now.

Zack: Ur fucking clueless. Lose my number.

/scene

I just...I can't. No, I didn't respond to him for 5 days, and no, I didn't text him when he gave me his number because I opted to just give him my number instead. But...IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Okay. No further commentary necessary here.

Dating and stuff

OKAY ACK a few people called me out for mentioning that I went on a date but not actually talking about it. SORRYYYYY.

The reason I didn't say anything about the date I went on is because it was completely unremarkable. Actually the guy was cute and nice and I cannot think of a single thing wrong with him aside from the fact that I didn't really feel any chemistry. Do people feel chemistry on first dates when you meet on the internet? I feel like I could never feel a spark with someone that I met under such contrived circumstances. But then...I'm totally weird (read: fucked up) when it comes to men and dating. Anyway I never texted the guy after our date and he didn't text me either and...that's that.

On a related note though, due to a whole host of reasons, I'm on JDate (again, after a several year hiatus). I can't say I'm thrilled about it but hopefully this time goes better than the last time. Which is to say, I hope no older men IM me, turn on their webcams, and then perform calisthenics in front of the camera with no pants on.

THAT HAPPENED TO ME. It was horrifying.

Semi-related to men and dating, I am desperately trying to make my way through Fifty Shades of Grey right now. Except IT SUCKS. I was under the impression that this book would be so bad that it was good, except it's so bad that it's terrible and I actually want to hunt down the author and punch her in the nose. The writing is so bad it offends me and the sex parts are...not that sexy? This is a terrible horrible no good very bad book. Whatever. Maybe if/when I finish I'll write more about it because I have some strong feelings about this garbage.

And finally, my blog is all pretty now! Click through and check it out, yo. Ashley at Little Leaf was fantastic to work with and I'm proud to show off my fancy new blog (only I'm too lazy to put anything in the top navigation buttons so umm those are blank for now but whatever I WILL GET TO IT ONE DAY).

The end.

My dating venn diagram

After the lovely Jess posted this Venn diagram of her dating life, I knew I had to make one of my own. This needs no other introduction.

Arielle's Love Life In A Few Handy Diagrams!


That is all.

Why online dating is not my bag, baby

I've found myself in a number of conversations over the last few weeks about online dating. And then I read Jess's post about it. And then I felt the need to tell the world why I am anti-online dating (for me, not for anyone else. You all do what you want). And here I am!

I've done the online dating thing. Sort of. And by that I mean I don't think I really gave it the old college try (PS, what does that even mean? Raise your hand if you really tried all that hard in college. Ahem, crickets. I tried hard at playing beer pong). I mean, I talked to a lot of guys. I met a few. I had one surprise attack me with half-naked (the wrong half. Or right half, if that kind of things excites you) jumping jacks via a video chat function I didn't even know existed in the site's IM system. You know, the usual.

I started putting myself out there on the great internets because I was bored, I wanted to meet new people, and I was under a lot of peer pressure. But after a relatively short time I got sick of it and vowed to never do it again and here, my friends, are the reasons why:

1) I am too skeptical. In my world, all men are guilty until proven innocent. Or should I say, unfit to date me until proven otherwise. When I read online profiles, I don't see a wealth of potential soulmates or even potential I'd-be-willing-to-let-this-dude-buy-me-a-drink-and-see-if-it-goes-anywheres. I see dead people losers.

2) Everyone sounds the same. Every guy out there loves to travel, likes to go out and have fun but occasionally just relax at home on the couch with a movie, and wants a chill girl he can take home to mom. I'm sorry, but I have yet to meet anyone that's all "Fuck traveling! I hate vacations!" I am not a generic woman and I have no interest in meeting a generic man.

3) I hate dates. Some people like going on dates because you at the very least get to try new bars or restaurants, sometimes the other party even pays for your food or drinks, you get to meet someone new, and maybeeee it evolves into some kind of romance or at least a lustful encounter. I am not one of those people. I find small talk painful to engage in and free drinks or no free drinks, my time is more valuable to me when put towards...most anything else.

4) I just don't care enough. The whole aspect of meeting new people, whether you're hoping they turn into spouse material or you just want a fresh face to talk to, really has no appeal to me, I realized. Sure, I like meeting new people, but I like meeting them organically, not in some weird pre-determined setting that's rife with hope and expectation even if no one admits to that being the case. I don't feel that my life will suffer in any way if I DON'T find out who might be waiting there for me at match/eHarmony/Jdate/whatever. Especially because I've never gone on an internet date with someone who I wanted to see again, platonically or otherwise. So what's the point in meeting new people once? Unless they're single service friends, which these are not.

The point is, online dating is a waste of my money. Not yours necessarily, just mine. And despite Dan's advice, I am not about to start craigslist dating. Friends don't let friends meet people on craigslist. Or at least, they shouldn't.

THE LIST

The following is a conversation about dating that I had today:

Crapface: so...let's meet some guys this summer
Crapface: preferably non-dbags!
Arielle: good plan!
Crapface: nice high standards
Arielle: it's a start
Crapface: no criminal record?
Arielle: minimum bachelor's degree
Arielle: must live in manhattan?
Crapface: has a bed and doesn't sleep on the couch in the living room like one of the guys i dated 1L?
Arielle: doesn't regularly update wikipedia entries on obscure japanese cartoons like someone i dated a few years ago? (i use the word "dated" loosely here)
Crapface: man, it's amazing how many dealbreakers there are in this world
Crapface: you don't even know about all of them
Crapface: until you get to them and you're like "what?!? get a bed!"
Arielle: i have a list
Crapface: i do too but i didn't know i needed to include "doesn't disappear for 5 days to make a desk in an upstate carpentry mill"
Arielle: that's why you can always amend the list

Since I don't think I've ever posted THE LIST here, I figured now is a pretty good time. A few years ago, I was discussing with a friend the many types of people that I wouldn't date. He grabbed a pen and paper and started writing everything down. Though we forgot about the list for awhile, it resurfaced somehow and now exists as a t-shirt that also includes my name, picture and phone number. However, he refuses to give me the t-shirt until I agree to wear it in public. Which I have yet to do.

And now, the list of people I won't date! Only the ages have been updated since the list's original creation. My friend's original phrasing and commentary is still there.

1) Hobo
2) Visibly riddled with illness
3) Looks over 34
4) Looks under 25
5) Attractive...No?!?
6) Girls!
7) Beard (Rabbi level)
8) "Shorties"
9) Visibly bad/no teeth
10) No speaka da English
11) Albinos
12) Anatomically incorrect (6 fingers OK) (Ed note: This refers to things like missing arms and legs. Not..you know. Though that's important too)
13) Freakishly tall (6'9")
14) Noticeably Republican
15) Annoyingly religious
16) Too many tattoos ("ahh tattoos" level)
17) No makeup (non retroactive) (Ed note: Japanese cartoon guy wore cover up, I found out. Not okay)
18) Sketchy conversational opener (cat call, "you got a boyfriend?")
19) Noticeable gas problem/BO
20) Blood relatives (extra retardo babies)

And..there you have it. THE LIST.

The yearly cell phone purge

That's sort of a lie. It's not really a yearly ritual so much as a ritual I perform whenever I feel like it. I go through my contact list in my phone and get rid of the people who I'm just flat out never going to call. Ever. Here are some highlights of those that didn't make the cut:

- Arlene, a psychic who was recommended to me and who my friend and I were supposed to go see eventually. But as we know, I got my future told elsewhere.

- Chris, a guy I went on a date with earlier this year. He was 29, lived at home, and didn't have a college degree. I excused myself from this date as swiftly as possible. (Confession: I don't actually remember that guy's name, but there's a Chris in my phone and I can't for the life of me figure out who it is, so I'm assuming it's this dude. Otherwise I just deleted a classmate from my phone by accident, or something).

- Gene, another guy I went out with once. He was nice, but not my type.

- Jeeb. I have no idea what ethnicity this name is. He struck up a conversation with me in the elevator at the Luxor in Las Vegas. We exchanged numbers and he said he would call me so we could gamble together later that day. He didn't. Which is sad, because he was pretty cute in that "It's always sunny in the land of the cool so I never take off my sunglasses" kind of way.

- Loaf. Probably the best real name of anyone I've ever had in my phone. I met him on the street shortly after I moved to Boston in August. He had just moved to the city and wanted someone to hang out with and frankly, I had no interest in talking to him and still don't know how I got roped into that conversation. I never had any intention of calling him. Sorry, Loaf. Insert joke about bread here.

- We all remember my personal trainer, Monstrous Greg? Don't need his number or his crazy muscles and weird ponytail anymore.

- Sameer. I went out with him knowing full well I had no interest in him. But I really suck at going on dates so it was practice. Mean? Maybe. Do I care? Obviously not.

- Sammy. A dude who didn't have enough of a command of the English language for me to want to really spend any time with him.

- Tom. 29 and still doesn't know that he's gay. One day he'll realize he should start going on dates with dudes, not chicks.

- Tom T. T was not this Tom's last initial, but T is the name of my friend who set me up with him. If you read my old blog, you may remember that this guy is 3 years younger than me and DOES NOT DRINK. Tom T never had a shot. PS, did I really go on dates with 2 different Toms this year? Apparently.

Well, that's it for the more interesting of the people I've met over the last year who clearly didn't influence my life too much. This was a fun little exercise.

Oh, the perils of internet dating

First, an update: No, I did not get Shakespeare in the Park tickets. I got to the box office at 9:05. By 9:20, I finally found the end of the line. I sat down to read my book and at about 9:45, an employee came by to tell us that there was NO WAY IN HELL we were getting tickets. Which I a) appreciated and b) suspected, seeing as the line was over half a mile long. So I went home and continued reading Harry Potter and read and read all day and finished the book. Seriously. I have no life.

Moving on.

I've blogged before about my various experiences with online dating. Most of them don't even involve actual dating, because the ratio of internet dates I've been on to hours spent perusing the profiles of losers is something to the tune of 1:802 million. 2 days ago, I decided in a fit of boredom to check out the new batch of pathetic men that have popped up on Jdate in my absence. Not because I've changed my opinions and I want to give online dating another shot, but mostly because I find great amusement in seeing what guys say about themselves to try and sound attractive. I poke around for a few minutes and I decide to look at the list of people who have viewed my profile. And, of course, someone I know pops up.

I've mentioned, in my various past blogs, what it's like being matched up with someone you know on an internet dating site. These people have ranged from high school friends to sleepaway camp friends to a friend of my ex-boyfriend to, yes, my brother (long story).

The person I found on Jdate was one of the leaders of my Israel trip from last March. He was, for lack of a better word, a huge tool. No one on the trip liked him, and I have to imagine this is because HE SUCKED. I promptly sent a text message to Lacey and my friend Ashley. Both of them laughed yet also understood my pain.

Yesterday, I went on a different dating site to try and pass the time by reading some new, yet always lame, profiles. I put in some search parameters: between 25 and 29 years old, lives within 5 miles of me, yadda yadda yadda. I scroll through the pictures and...

Wait. What is this I see? No, it can't be.

The same. Fucking. Guy. With his toolbag assface smiling at me.

Another text message to Lacey and Ashley: "OMG I just found ---- on a different dating site. F my life." Lacey responded with a nice "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and Ashley wrote back, "You are a match."

That is NOT even funny. Is this the caliber of men that I'm forced to be exposed to? People I already know and DO NOT LIKE?

Someone help me.

Good intentions

I realized something weird just now.

It is extremely hard for me to schedule things in advance, but I will drop whatever I'm doing to do pretty much anything on the spur of the moment.

Being a grad student, at least for me, is pretty different than being an undergrad because a) you actually care about the quality of your work, and b) all-nighters are seen more as a nuisance than a badge of honor (I have yet to pull one in grad school, booyah). As such, I tend to be a lot more focused in my studies and I plan study nights like I would plan social events.

For example, I have 4 papers due next week. FOUR. One of them has been done for a week now, which still boggles my mind because I procrastinate with the best of them, normally. But anyway. Because I have all this crap due next week, I planned to do nothing but glorious paper-writing last night and tonight (tonight meaning Thursday, though technically now it's Friday, I suppose). I've been trying to find a night where I can grab drinks with this guy, and he suggested Wednesday or Thursday, and I was all "No no, papers need to be written. Drinks next week."

I got a text last night about people from my program going to the bar. I didn't even hesitate before exchanging my pajama pants for some jeans and heading out the door. As I walked to the bar with 2 friends, we all said, "We are definitely leaving by 11 so we can go home and do some work." We finally left the bar a little after 1.

Tonight was supposed to be another night in. Then my friend Carolyn called and asked if I wanted to grab dinner. Done. Dinner was over by 8:30, and I said I needed to go home and write some papers. Carolyn suggested I come over to drink wine and watch The Office. We all know which one I chose.

Really, I postponed my sixth (holy crap!) first date of 2009 (number of second dates: 0) so that I could stay in and do work, and then I totally didn't end up staying in anyway. FAIL.

On that note, I think there will be a first date number 7 sometime soon as well. My friend wants to set me up with her fiance's roommate. I asked her to tell me about him and she told me he went to school for woodworking.

I'm just going to let that statement soak in for awhile.