The Person I Will Never Be

I like to entertain the idea that one day I'm just going to change something about myself. I'll see a friend do something or pass someone on the street or hear a story and think, "This is a thing I should incorporate into my personality." But I think it's time to admit to myself that there are a lot of things that, as cool as they would be, are never going to be part of my persona. Here's a list! (Incomplete, but whatever)

1. I am never going to be someone who winks. This is pretty sad because I'm awesome at winking and if you don't believe me, ask my friend Elyse because I used to wink at her excessively during our 10th grade history class (Elyse also likes when I shout her out on my blog. Hi!). And any time someone winks at me in a non-creepy way I'm all, "Note to self: do this." But I never have because I never think to do it. I should just admit that it's not going to happen.

2. I am never going to look nice for work. I am completely incapable of putting together a really sharp outfit and in the 10 months I've been at this job I've worn makeup to work 0 times. I used to have to wear a suit to work every day and I'm sure I managed to somehow even make that look mildly sloppy. I leave my house between 23 and 25 minutes after I wake up in the morning (showering at night: best thing ever) and I have no desire to add any time onto that.

3. I will never get seriously into yoga. Yoga is supposed to be all zen and calming but zen and calming are just euphemisms for BORING. As many of you know, I went through an obsessive Bikram yoga phase so this might seem like a weird thing for me to say, but Bikram yoga is anything but zen or calming because it's basically 90 minutes of feeling like you might die at any moment. I am nowhere near chill enough for the calming, spiritual type of yoga. I'm the kind of person who watches TV with her phone, her laptop, and a bowl of mac and cheese because if I don't have multiple things entertaining me at once I don't even know how to handle myself LOOK A SHINY THING.

4. Sarcasm will forever escape me more often than I'd like. This is totally baffling because I'm a supremely sarcastic person. But I probably miss at least a third of the sarcasm that people direct at me. And then I go, "WHOA REALLY?" and that person is all, "What? No." I don't understand it, but I've come to accept it.

5. Feminine wiles. Never going to have those. As a woman you're supposed to be able to flirt yourself into or out of any situation but I think I slept through that class in How-To-Be-A-Woman school. Also the one about crying on command. Which pretty much means I'm screwed and cannot get anything I want unless someone already wants to give it to me. Damnit.

6. Whiskey. I went through a phase where I tried really hard to become a whiskey person. I am not. Give me vodka or give me death. Or beer. Or wine or gin or tequila. Or even whiskey in a shot glass or a delicious mixed drink. Just not as something I'm supposed to sip and pretend like I enjoy the burning.