THE LIST

The following is a conversation about dating that I had today:

Crapface: so...let's meet some guys this summer
Crapface: preferably non-dbags!
Arielle: good plan!
Crapface: nice high standards
Arielle: it's a start
Crapface: no criminal record?
Arielle: minimum bachelor's degree
Arielle: must live in manhattan?
Crapface: has a bed and doesn't sleep on the couch in the living room like one of the guys i dated 1L?
Arielle: doesn't regularly update wikipedia entries on obscure japanese cartoons like someone i dated a few years ago? (i use the word "dated" loosely here)
Crapface: man, it's amazing how many dealbreakers there are in this world
Crapface: you don't even know about all of them
Crapface: until you get to them and you're like "what?!? get a bed!"
Arielle: i have a list
Crapface: i do too but i didn't know i needed to include "doesn't disappear for 5 days to make a desk in an upstate carpentry mill"
Arielle: that's why you can always amend the list

Since I don't think I've ever posted THE LIST here, I figured now is a pretty good time. A few years ago, I was discussing with a friend the many types of people that I wouldn't date. He grabbed a pen and paper and started writing everything down. Though we forgot about the list for awhile, it resurfaced somehow and now exists as a t-shirt that also includes my name, picture and phone number. However, he refuses to give me the t-shirt until I agree to wear it in public. Which I have yet to do.

And now, the list of people I won't date! Only the ages have been updated since the list's original creation. My friend's original phrasing and commentary is still there.

1) Hobo
2) Visibly riddled with illness
3) Looks over 34
4) Looks under 25
5) Attractive...No?!?
6) Girls!
7) Beard (Rabbi level)
8) "Shorties"
9) Visibly bad/no teeth
10) No speaka da English
11) Albinos
12) Anatomically incorrect (6 fingers OK) (Ed note: This refers to things like missing arms and legs. Not..you know. Though that's important too)
13) Freakishly tall (6'9")
14) Noticeably Republican
15) Annoyingly religious
16) Too many tattoos ("ahh tattoos" level)
17) No makeup (non retroactive) (Ed note: Japanese cartoon guy wore cover up, I found out. Not okay)
18) Sketchy conversational opener (cat call, "you got a boyfriend?")
19) Noticeable gas problem/BO
20) Blood relatives (extra retardo babies)

And..there you have it. THE LIST.