The anti-chivalry stance

When I was in Chicago, I got into a nearly-heated discussion with Dan and my friend Anna about chivalry.

Dan and Anna are in the pro-chivalry camp. I am not.

Dan says he was raised to act like a gentleman and treat women well. I say that sometimes, chivalrous acts are really just a way for a man to help me do things that I can do more efficiently myself.

Do I want you to pull out my chair for me? No, because in all honesty I find that annoying. I'm going to have to adjust my chair after I sit down anyway, so your efforts are totally wasted. Just like the unnecessary bathroom attendant who insists of handing me my paper towel, I simply prefer to do it myself.

Another reason why I sometimes find chivalry off-putting is because I have no desire to be in any kind of relationship where I'm not viewed as an equal. And hello, chivalry kinda sorta originated in a time where women weren't viewed as equals.

This doesn't mean I want to be treated like crap, of course. If a guy insisted on paying for the first date (or the fiftieth) I would certainly let him, but I will always offer to pay my half, and unlike most women, I actually mean it (frankly, I think the game that women play where they pretend to take out their wallets but really don't want to pay is bullshit. If you don't want to pay, own it).

Similarly, if a guy opens a door for me, I'm cool with that, but only because I think it's a nice gesture to do for another person regardless of their gender. I open doors for everyone.

I just don't think chivalry is necessary in order to be said that you're treating a woman well. Dan gave an example of wanting to come home and talk about his day with his girlfriend while rubbing her feet. That's not chivalry in my eyes, that's just a normal level of affection between significant others. Do I want a future boyfriend to massage my feet? Certainly. But why shouldn't I do the same for him? Unless he has gross boy feet. Then he has to wear socks while I massage them. But, you get the idea.

There's just something about helping a perfectly capable woman put her coat on that screams to me, "SECOND CLASS CITIZEN." I mean, I can put on my own damn coat, and someone trying to help me implies that I can't. I wasn't swayed even when Dan and Anna made a dramatic display of Dan helping Anna put her jacket on when we left the bar. I responded with my own dramatic display of how well I've learned to put on my own coat after 27 years on this planet.

What it all boils down to is that I want to be with someone who enjoys my company, thinks of me as an intellectual equal, and expects the same out of me as he does out of himself. Sure, he can take care of me and do nice things for me at times, but I will always return the favor. I want a guy to feel like he's with a strong, independent, capable woman (and if that's not what he wants, he's barking up the wrong tree, yo), not someone who needs to be coddled and can't pay for anything or even get out of the car without his assistance.

Is that so wrong?