I can get my own toilet paper, thankyouverymuch

I hate bathroom attendants. And I need to talk about it.

Look, I am all about creating jobs, particularly in a recessionary environment. But I support the creation of real, meaningful jobs. Not stupid and flat out useless ones.

Bathroom attendants make me uncomfortable. They are people who sit in a room that is essentially designated for people to do gross things. Would YOU want to spend several hours at a time in a bathroom? No, you wouldn't. The only benefit to working in a bathroom is that the bathroom is never far away. But you can't take snack breaks (unless you eat in the bathroom, in which case, don't touch me) and you have to just sit or stand there while girls pee and vomit and partake in inane chatter around you. Have you ever heard a group of drunk girls of which you had no part talking in a bathroom? 9 times out of 10 it makes you want to jam a pencil in your ear.

The real reason I hate bathroom attendants, though, is because they are trying to get me to pay them to do a job that not only am I capable of doing by myself, but that parents worldwide spend a lot of time trying to TRAIN and ENCOURAGE children to do by themselves. My parents potty trained me so that I can use the bathroom, wash my hands, and dry them. Alone. Without help. I've been successfully going to the bathroom by myself for most of my 26 years, why are you trying to help me out now? I mean, how dare you think I'm about to give you a dollar for handing me a paper towel. If I can drive a car, I'm pretty sure I can reach for my own damn towel.

Now, don't go all jumpy jumping down my back about not tipping. I tip everyone else who normally receives tips. In fact, I usually tip well. Now, I understand that I am perfectly capable of jumping behind a bar and making myself an excellent vodka soda. Yet I still tip the bartenders who make them for me. Why? Because a) alcohol is how bars make money and they need people to regulate its distribution, b) alcohol comes with legal liability if distributed and thus consumed improperly, and c) society has never taught me that it's okay to hurl myself over a bar, shove the bartender out of the way and do it myself. Do bars make or lose significant money off paper towels? No. Can I overdose on paper towels and then sue the bar when I get hurt? No. Has society taught me that it's okay for other people to assist me in peeing? No. If you told me you couldn't go to the bathroom by yourself, I would tell you to stop talking to me. Because you would be gross and weird.

When I was in New Orleans, we stopped at Pat O'Briens for some legendary hurricanes. When I went to use the bathroom, I found that there was an attendant inside distributing toilet paper. TOILET PAPER. As in, they purposely removed all the TP from the stalls and if you did not get some from this woman, you did not get toilet paper. I was appalled. I paid the bar $8 for a delicious beverage, and along with that beverage there are some perks. Namely, I get to sit in one of your chairs and use your bathroom. It's how the hospitality industry works. If you think Starbucks drinks are overpriced solely because of higher quality ingredients, you're wrong. It's a way of charging you (in a palatable way) for taking up their comfy chairs for 4 hours.

The business-y thing that bothers me about this is that bathroom attendants are essentially a completely random middleman (ahem, middlewoman) inserted into the supply chain. People generally like to minimize the number of hands that any product has to pass through before reaching the end consumer. That's why there's a huge push to buy locally sourced goods - the closer it starts to you, the easier and cheaper and greener it is for it to get to you. I realize that bathroom attendants are not exactly harming the environment, but they are harming my sense of comfort and, quite honestly, provide no value except annoyance. If you want to pay extra to have a valet park your car because you're too lazy to do it yourself, that's all fine and well because they're adding a convenience to your life. Bathroom attendants do not add convenience - they only add an extra hoop to jump through to get what is rightfully yours - some motherf'ing toilet paper.