Year in Review

Oh, 2009. Where do I begin with you? I remember getting a holiday card from one of my good friends shortly after New Year's, and it said something to the effect of "I have a feeling that 2009 holds good things for you." 2008 ended pretty badly for me, and I have no doubt that this card was less of a generic sentiment and more meant to convey the message of, "Arielle, you are awesome. You deserve awesome things, and they're going to happen for you." It was the very note of hope that I needed to hear at the time.

Here I am, just days before the start of another year, and I'm a little scared. 2009, while dotted with the occasional wonderful and amazing moment, was overall a year that rivals 2007 in complete shittiness. What I need to do right now is remind myself that just because the year changes doesn't mean anything ELSE changes. Life is not going to automatically get better or worse when January 1st hits, and it's best not to set any expectations, let alone set high ones. But since the end of the year is typically a time for reflection, let's review 2009 in all its glory.

THE GOOD
- I went to Russia, Finland, Sweden and Denmark on an awesome whirlwind vacation and educational experience.
- My bestest buddy of 21 years got engaged and I'm the co-Maid of Honor in her wedding which is in less than 3 months (!!).
- I had an amazing summer in New York where I stayed in my friend's pimp ass studio and had a blast taking a 2 week bartending course.
- I watched a number of friends get married, including a sorority sister who was one of the pledges I used to push around when I was pledgemaster. Most of her bridesmaids were also my pledges. I felt like a proud mom.
- With a GPA close to 3.7, I am kicking ass and taking names in business school, which I LOVE.

THE BAD
- I feel like I lost 2 of my best friends this year. 2 of the people I thought I'd always be close to are now pretty much strangers. I know friendships change often so this isn't necessarily permanent, but it's a bummer to not feel like you trust someone who you used to think you could trust with your life.
- My dad has been out of work for pretty much this entire year. The reason this goes here and not in the "THE UGLY" section is because it, very thankfully, doesn't seem to have impacted my family as much as it could have, but I still really hope the situation turns around soon.
- I realized that when I leave school, I will probably keep in touch with 4 people, max. None of whom I even consider to be close friends. In a class of 105, not a single person really knows me.

THE UGLY
- As most of you know, I got into trouble for blogging about school. I had a disciplinary hearing where I sat in a room and defended myself in front of 6 or 7 people for doing something that I still believe is completely within my right to do. It ended up fine but I pretty much didn't sleep or eat or have my heart NOT RACING LIKE CRAZY for 3 weeks.
- For the first 3 months of this year, my mental health was in the worst place its ever been. I've always viewed myself as an extremely stable person, and being in a state where heavy drinking and HOURS UPON HOURS of nightly reality TV were the only things that could stop me from crying, and getting off the phone with university counseling services and having no idea how I was going to survive the 8 miserable days between then and my therapy appointment, was absolutely fucking frightening.

WHAT I LEARNED
No year of ups and downs can be without some kind of growth and understanding. So here are the lessons 2009 has left me with:

- Sometimes, people suck. It's a fact of life. The ones you love are hardly infallible. They will disappoint you, but you will move on.
- While some people hurt you, others won't. Some friends will listen to you complain about the same things over and over again, and will be there for you however and whenever you need them. Some people who you haven't even spoken to in months will get word of your misery and offer to beat people up on your behalf. These friends are amazing.
- I am not, as I previously suspected, impervious to the bullshit that gets everyone else down but that never seemed to affect me. I am far more vulnerable than I ever thought possible. At first I thought I was weak. Now I know I'm human.
- I am also, interestingly enough, stronger than I thought. Living in a city I don't care for without many good friends nearby has given me the ability to take care of my own life and not live for anyone else. Not only that, but I'm strong enough to look back upon the really bleak part of this year and find the light amongst the dark. Like when I was in Vegas, walking alone from the Bellagio to the Luxor at 5:30 AM, still dressed in my slutty party dress and bawling my face off for the entire 45 minute walk. As miserable as I was at the time, I now wonder how many people saw me and thought I was a sad hooker. It makes me chuckle.

2010 has a lot of potential. While I'm trying to only focus on the good, I won't sit here thinking, "2010 is MY year," because being disappointed pretty much sucks. So whatever comes my way, be it good, bad, or horribly worse, I'll take it like a (wo)man, deal with it, reflect upon it, and bring the lessons I learn into 2011. That's really the best I can ask for.