Don't Rain On My Parade

Over the last few years, Facebook (as well as other social media) has become so much more than just a place to share photos or stalk people you haven't seen since 5th grade. It's become a marketplace of opinions, both of the solicited and the unsolicited variety. This is heightened during important moments in sports, TV, current events, general pop culture, politics, and whatever else.

Sometimes Facebook opinions make me happy, like when someone says they just started reading the Harry Potter series and they remark about how great it is. Other times, Facebook opinions clue me in to things I would have otherwise had no idea about - as someone who isn't particularly tuned into the Batman franchise, for example, I don't think I would have ever heard about the Ben Affleck casting selection had people not been (mostly) up in arms about it.

And yet other times, Facebook opinions make me want to tell people to stop raining on my fucking parade.

For every person out there who obsesses over Dexter, there's another person who delights in telling you how they hate Dexter. People will even delight in telling you how they have no interest in Dexter because it seems like it sucks, which is the same as saying, "I have no knowledge of this thing but I'm going to shit all over it anyway."

For the record, I've never seen Dexter, but I've certainly seen this same scenario play out with Breaking Bad, with every woman who happily has her first pumpkin spice latte of the season*, and with just about any other thing that people get excited and vocal about. And it's never in the form of intelligent discourse, it's just in the form of "I'm better than you because I think this thing you love is terrible."

After getting a little annoyed over people who take pride in hating things I'm excited about, I had a mildly disturbing realization: I do this all the time.

I am the asshole who tweets something like, "So, like, there's a sports thing happening?" during the World Series or the Superbowl or one of those other things that literally millions of people look forward to and care deeply about. I am the first person to talk about how lame sparkly vampires are even though I haven't read a single page or seen a single second of Twilight. I do this because for some sick reason it makes me happy to act like I'm above these things and oh, look at you plebians who spend your time caring about such silly pursuits.

Why do I do this? I'm not above sports, and as much as it loathes me to say it, I'm probably not above Twilight either. They just don't interest me, and that's fine. Everyone else's enthusiasm for these things doesn't have any impact on my life, and those people certainly don't give even the tiniest bit of a crap that I don't care about Twilight or sports or Lost or the Batman franchise or any of those other things that I just haven't incorporated into my life because hey, there are only so many hours in the day and no one can possibly be into all the things, ever. Yet I still insist on making sure everyone knows my stance on these things instead of just letting everyone talk amongst themselves (speaking of talking amongst ourselves, let's all discuss Breaking Bad from now until we die, okay? Because...!!!).

Now that I'm aware of what I'm doing and how much it probably pisses other people off, I'm going to try and stop. Because there is no reason and no excuse for raining on someone's parade.

* Do men like pumpkin spice lattes too and are just less vocal about it?

Why I Should Officiate Your Wedding

A month or so ago I was sitting around with some friends from high school, talking, as women our age are wont to do, about weddings.

"One of my life goals is to officiate a wedding," I said.

My friend turned to me and goes, "You'd be really good at that."

"I KNOW!" I replied. And then I proceeded to intensely stare down everyone at the table, as if to say, "When you get married LET ME OFFICIATE YOUR WEDDING." Everyone got the message. And was also pretty creeped out by my stare-down.

I don't have a ton of big life goals, but I really want to officiate a friend's wedding in a major way. Are you reading this? Are you my friend? Are you not yet married? Great. Here's why you should let me officiate your wedding.

1) I'll do it for free! And free is always better than not free. If you aren't planning on having an open bar at your wedding, we may need to discuss some payment in the form of vodka. But otherwise, totally gratis!

2) I am more than willing to become one of those ordained-via-the-internet ministers if you insist on having some kind of official religious person run your wedding. This should show you my full and total commitment to the cause, because if a Jewish girl who works for a Jewish organization is willing to become a minister for you, that's love, friends.

3) Everyone will think you're cool for having a friend officiate your wedding. Weddings are all about showing off how awesome and unique you are, and having a friend perform the ceremony says to everyone, "I have the coolest friends in the world because I'm willing to let one of them have a pretty big role in one of the most important days of my life," and also, "Look how alternative and fun and young I am! The person officiating this wedding is my age!"

4) By far the most important reason - I will write a seriously amazing ceremony. It will be personalized but not inside joke-y so as to alienate your friends and family. It will be poignant but not cheesy. It will be funny but not tasteless (see: most best man speeches that recite a laundry list of the groom's most embarrassing moments, making everyone uncomfortable). I've given 2 speeches at weddings and both got really good feedback. After the most recent one last September, I was approached by a family member who told me how great my speech was, and then said, "It was one of the best wedding speeches I've ever heard. And I'm a wedding planner, so I've heard a lot."

If you think I'm telling this story just to brag, then I mean DUH that's obviously why I'm telling this story. If a positive review from a person who plans weddings for a living isn't a kickass reference, then I don't know what is.

Got it? Awesome. Now, someone go get engaged, pronto.

The Person I Will Never Be

I like to entertain the idea that one day I'm just going to change something about myself. I'll see a friend do something or pass someone on the street or hear a story and think, "This is a thing I should incorporate into my personality." But I think it's time to admit to myself that there are a lot of things that, as cool as they would be, are never going to be part of my persona. Here's a list! (Incomplete, but whatever)

1. I am never going to be someone who winks. This is pretty sad because I'm awesome at winking and if you don't believe me, ask my friend Elyse because I used to wink at her excessively during our 10th grade history class (Elyse also likes when I shout her out on my blog. Hi!). And any time someone winks at me in a non-creepy way I'm all, "Note to self: do this." But I never have because I never think to do it. I should just admit that it's not going to happen.

2. I am never going to look nice for work. I am completely incapable of putting together a really sharp outfit and in the 10 months I've been at this job I've worn makeup to work 0 times. I used to have to wear a suit to work every day and I'm sure I managed to somehow even make that look mildly sloppy. I leave my house between 23 and 25 minutes after I wake up in the morning (showering at night: best thing ever) and I have no desire to add any time onto that.

3. I will never get seriously into yoga. Yoga is supposed to be all zen and calming but zen and calming are just euphemisms for BORING. As many of you know, I went through an obsessive Bikram yoga phase so this might seem like a weird thing for me to say, but Bikram yoga is anything but zen or calming because it's basically 90 minutes of feeling like you might die at any moment. I am nowhere near chill enough for the calming, spiritual type of yoga. I'm the kind of person who watches TV with her phone, her laptop, and a bowl of mac and cheese because if I don't have multiple things entertaining me at once I don't even know how to handle myself LOOK A SHINY THING.

4. Sarcasm will forever escape me more often than I'd like. This is totally baffling because I'm a supremely sarcastic person. But I probably miss at least a third of the sarcasm that people direct at me. And then I go, "WHOA REALLY?" and that person is all, "What? No." I don't understand it, but I've come to accept it.

5. Feminine wiles. Never going to have those. As a woman you're supposed to be able to flirt yourself into or out of any situation but I think I slept through that class in How-To-Be-A-Woman school. Also the one about crying on command. Which pretty much means I'm screwed and cannot get anything I want unless someone already wants to give it to me. Damnit.

6. Whiskey. I went through a phase where I tried really hard to become a whiskey person. I am not. Give me vodka or give me death. Or beer. Or wine or gin or tequila. Or even whiskey in a shot glass or a delicious mixed drink. Just not as something I'm supposed to sip and pretend like I enjoy the burning.