A Celebration of Singlehood

At my friend's wedding last weekend, someone (who surprisingly wasn't me) started the "I'm never going to get married" conversation. On any other day this absolutely could have been me seeing as I legitimately believe this to be true. And I think this actually sets me apart from the myriad people who say they're never going to get married - most people say it because they're bummed about being single at the moment and they pity themselves and they think that if they put that sentiment out there, it'll change their luck. I say it because I just believe it. Not out of self-pity or overawareness (eat it, dictionary) of how single I am. I just don't see myself ever getting married. And...kind of don't care.

Wait, how did I get here? Not the point of this post, yo.

The point is, I agreed with my friend about how I'm never getting married, but added that I would really, REALLY, like a wedding. Or at least, a party on the scale of a wedding. As many of you know, I am all about throwing myself parties - birthdays are the obvious party frontrunner, but I've also thrown myself goodbye parties and "come watch me bartend" parties. The unfortunate part is, none of these parties will get all my friends and family from all over to come celebrate. If I got married, however, people will come out of the woodwork to eat and drink and be merry. I don't even care about getting presents (wedding registries do not excite me. Glassware, silverware, Idontcareware, wah wah). I just want to look hot while I dance the night away surrounded by awesome people. And I need a wedding for this to happen.

The issue with the wedding thing is that you have to get married TO someone, and therein lies the problem. The fact that I'm completely unwedable (there is no red line under that word which leads me to believe it's a real word? sweetness) should NOT prevent me from having a kickass party. And thus, my brilliant idea - the celebration of singlehood party! (subject to rebranding once I think of a catchier name).

My singlehood party will have all the makings of a good wedding - open bar, delicious food, good music. I'll still have a selection of my most fabulous friends wear the same dress just to signify that they're cooler than everyone else, we will all still dance to hava negila and lift people up in chairs (hello, just because I'm not entering into some kind of union doesn't mean we don't party like good Jews) and I will still NOT be throwing a bouquet because if I were to ever get married that would absolutely not happen anyway. I'll get my hair and makeup did and wear a super hot dress that isn't white because damnit, it's my party and I'll wear what I want to (and I look pretty crappy in white, let's be real). There will be men there, of course, but none of them will be more involved in the event than any other. And they will consist entirely of family, my girl friends' dates, and then the 2 or 3 guy friends I actually have (note to self: work on that).

Maybe I'll come up with a fun singlehood party tradition that everyone will end up doing at their own celebrations later on. I have some ideas but I'm keeping them to myself because I don't want you fools stealing my brainchildren.

I'm pretty sure this is one of the best ideas I've ever had. It will bring joy to the single people of the world because finally, we too get our day in the spotlight. You'll all be invited, of course. Look out for my save the date card. I'm thinking that I might print the necessary info on one of the best emblems of singlehood: a condom wrapper.