Dropping that third grade knowledge

I am giving you all a grammar lesson. Remember when I taught you all how to use the STRIKE? This is like that, only...not.

The following is a general rule. Many of you will say, "Oh pish posh, Arielle. We don't do that silly thing." And I say: "YES YOU DO." Ready?

DO NOT USE MOTHERF'ING APOSTROPHES WHEN PLURALIZING THINGS.

See what I did there? "Things." Not "Thing's."

WHO TAUGHT YOU CRETINS TO DO THAT?

I realize that my grammar is far from perfect and you are more than welcome to hate over on this way if your pet peeve involves ending sentences with prepositions because I love doing that even though I know better.

Seriously, though. Why has the apostrophe managed to sneak its way into our plurals the way that "LOL" has snuck into the lexicons of wayyyy too many people my age. (P.S. if you are a dude who says "LOL," I will never date you. Truth.)

Here are some examples of how to properly pluralize:

Machete --> Machetes
Popsicle --> Popsicles
Mojito --> Mojitos
Deer --> Deer (tricky, that one!)

Do you see any apostrophes? NO YOU DO NOT.

The only time where it is maybe acceptable to use them is where it would otherwise be confusing.

Instead of...

I got straight As.

It is okay if you say...

I got straight A's.

One reason why this is okay is because you might get confused otherwise and be all, "Girlfriend, straight as what? First of all you don't know when to capitalize letters, and second of all you didn't finish your sentence."

You call me "Girlfriend" because you're sassy.

The other reason why this is okay is because Wikipedia says so.

Okay, everyone. You have been schooled. Go forth and make me happy.

Why I don't like job hunting

I am still job hunting. And could be for awhile. Now that I'm on the cusp of reaching the 250 job applications mark (!!!), I've gotten all too familiar with some aspects of the job search that I don't like. Here goes!

1) When people tell me, "Don't worry, it's going to be fine." Yes, this is very easy for you to say when you have a cushy job and parents who still pay your cell phone bill. Talk to me when you have student loan debt going into repayment, health insurance to pay for (as in, the entire thing) and no job.

1a) Don't act like I'm disappointing you when I say I can't go on elaborate vacations. I'm really sorry that you want to go to Europe this fall and I can't join you. TOTAL BUMMER FOR YOU. Not.

2) I don't really ask for help with my job search. It's my own problem and no one else's. However, if you shove your business card down my throat and insist I send you my resume, I certainly don't expect you to find a job for me, but at least do me the favor of responding to my email. I probably spent a fair amount of time researching the company you work for and the available positions, and it's really a waste of my time if I never hear from you again.

3) Why the stigma about not finding out what a job pays until an offer is made? Let's be honest here - salary is one of the most important deciding factors for most people. I don't want to go through the effort of applying for a job that only pays half of what I want to make, and if companies would openly advertise that a position pays $150,000 a year, I'll know better than to apply for it because I'm clearly way too junior.

3a) For the hypothetical job above, if the (unmentioned) salary is the only way for me to know that I'm not qualified for this job, you wrote a job description that was either a) vague b) flat-out wrong or c) a magical mix of the two.

4) Just as I am supposed to be prepared for any conversation, so should you. If you say, "Why don't you have any employment on your resume after 2008?" you clearly didn't read the thing at the top of my resume that says, in bold, EDUCATION - MASTER OF BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION, MAY 2010. Similarly, if you select me for an interview and then ask me if I have experience with a slew of fun acronyms that appear nowhere on my resume and then mention that this experience is absolutely required for the job in a non-negotiable way, you really should have paid closer attention to my resume before deciding to interview me.

Phew, that's it. For now.

My irrational fear

Friends, I have a fear.

You know those people who, despite the clear use of headphones, still somehow manage to broadcast their music to everyone around them?

I'm afraid I'm one of them.

Now, I have no real reason to believe that I'm one of those people. I don't listen to my music at a particularly high volume, and no one has ever told me that they can hear what is supposed to be my own personal life soundtrack. But still, I worry. Especially when I hear others' music. Doubly especially now that I just bought new headphones (RIP white earbuds that came with my iTouch). Are these new headphones the kind that fail to keep the music confined to just MY ears? I have no idea.

The thing is, while I love my music and am not ashamed to admit to the wonderful people in my life about all the wealth of embarrassing material on my iPod, this isn't something I necessarily want random strangers to know.

99% of the time I listen to my music on shuffle. For whatever reason I never seemed to be able to get into playlists, mostly because I'd get bored of them too quickly. This means that at any given moment during my daily subway commute, I could be rocking out to more commonly accepted tunes like Paul Simon, Lady Gaga, or Green Day.

However, I could also be listening to "Uncle Fucker" from the South Park movie, the opening number from Bring It On (We cheer and we lead! We act like we're on speed! Hate us 'cause we're beautiful well we don't like you either!), Sandstorm by Darude (if you don't know what this is off the top of your head, Youtube it and have your subsequent "Oh yeaaah this song from high school" moment), or "Seize the Day" from Newsies.

Okay, I can't even pretend to be ashamed about that last one. That song is so uplifting! And..Newsies! Adorable.

This fear of my music being overheard is probably irrational. But I still worry. And will continue to do so.