The Grinch Who Hates Christmas

That's me.

Because yes, as impossible as it may seem, I really, truly, from the bottom of my cold, black heart, do not like Christmas.

I certainly don't begrudge anyone their Christmas cheer and celebrations, I just wish I didn't have to be privy to every detail of it. This isn't entirely because I'm Jewish - plenty of Jews love to get all up in the Christmas biznass. The reason I personally hate Christmas is because for probably 2 full months out of the year, I can't escape it.

You know how when your whole Facebook newsfeed explodes with people talking about some dramatic episode of ~insert popular TV show here - Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, whatever~, and you don't watch that particular show so you just want to scream and slap a few people and maybe just shut down the internet for awhile?

Christmas is the TV show I don't watch. Only it doesn't stop at Facebook. It's everywhere. I can't walk into a store without being bombarded by Christmas music and I would tell you how many Christmas-related store promotion emails I've gotten in the last few weeks but I'm pretty sure I can't count that high. Christmas does not leave me, or anyone, alone. It's holding us all hostage and somehow I seem to be the only one who hasn't developed Stockholm Syndrome.

Also around this time of year is when people with real, grown-up lives, and also occasionally single people with their shit together, start sending out cards. Some of them are holiday cards. Some of them are Christmas cards. Every year I get some holiday cards, and every year I get some Christmas cards. I love getting cards and am totally down for this, especially because I like to see the ways in which my friends alter the Christmas cards for me (and I love people trying to adapt Christmas for me in general - see photo below), but I also can't help but feel like some oddball freakshow at this time of year.

So this is why I feel all Scrooge-y around Christmas, like I'm lacking in whatever the "Christmas spirit" is supposed to be. Except what is Christmas spirit, really? Going off what I read on social media, here's a list of Christmas things that seem important to people:

- Black Friday. Is this in the spirit of Christmas? Trampling Walmart workers so you can get your hands on a flat screen TV that probably isn't even for someone on your gift list?

- Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You." Why is every woman obsessed with this song? Stop it, ladies.

- Love, Actually. I know this movie is the talk of the town right now because there's think pieces galore on why this movie actually has a terrible message. Not to sound all cooler than thou, but I've hated Love, Actually since the first and only time I saw it in 2004. Why? Because it's boring. And it's over 2 hours long! I have a firm belief that chick flicks should be no more than 90 minutes long, and I made this rule after seeing this movie, which seemed to take a lifetime to end.

- Spending all your money on presents, often for people you don't care about. "What am I supposed to get for my boyfriend's aunt?" I don't know, but this is a question I hope I never have to ask myself.

- Getting engaged and/or hating on people who are cliche enough to dare get engaged on Christmas. As if.

In the interest of fairness, here are some Christmas things I like:

- Eggnog! This shit is delicious. I will drink those 4000 calories and ask for seconds, thank you very much.

- Advent calendars. I've never owned one, but they seem fun. Windows that reveal chocolate? Sign me up.

- Secret Santa. I always participate in at least one. Secret Santa is fun and a good excuse to make whole groups of friends hang out. 

- Not going to work. Yay!

And that's pretty much it. Because all the eggnog in the world could not make me more excited for December 26th, when Christmas finally gets out of my face and people can start complaining about how they have no plans for New Year's Eve.

(PS, to all my Xmas-friendly loved ones out there - Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals)