#singlepeopleproblems

When Jess found a Thought Catalog article called, "20 Things Single People Hate," we knew that we, as self-appointed experts on being single, had to offer our thoughts. Click here to read her comments on this list (I would tell you to read the article first, but I know you won't, you lazy asses).

Out of the 20 items on this list, I've decided to highlight my 4 favorite and 4 least favorite items.

Favorites:

1) "Being reminded you are single or told that, for any reason, your lack of being romantically attached to anyone makes you a less desirable or fit human being."

Yes. Being in a relationship does not make you better than me. Only being hotter or smarter or cooler or funnier or having a better wardrobe or being able to kill it on Expert level Guitar Hero makes you better than me.

2) "Not singing along to Kelly Clarkson. What else are you supposed to do when you hear “Since U Been Gone”? I didn’t know that there was legally another option, and I happen to be a rule follower. I’m just doing my civic duty."

I have no idea what this really has to do with being single. Anyone can sing along to Kelly Clarkson and everyone SHOULD sing along to Kelly Clarkson because I am a firm believer in the fact that you don't really need a song's lyrics to relate to the very depths of your soul in order to want to belt them out while drunk at a bar. See: Journey. Do you connect to the story of the small town girl and the city boy? I certainly don't. What the hell does "streetlight people" even mean? When it's 2am and you're running on a mixture of Bud Light and shots of SoCo, no one cares. You just sing.

3) "Hearing that you’re “too picky,” need to “get out there,” that you should “try harder” or need to “settle down already!” "

If I wanted to lower my standards to include some ugly loser with no personality, or walk around with my boobs hanging out in order to try and get my milkshake to bring more boys to the yard, I would do that. I am content with my high standards and my current policy of not-throwing-myself-at-every-guy-ever.

4) "Being told you haven’t met the right person. Duh. If you had met them, you would probably be with them."

More than this, I hate being told that I will meet the right person. YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS, WELL-INTENTIONED FRIEND. Does everyone in life get married? No. When I tell people that I could be single for the rest of my life, I would like them to stop thinking that I'm searching for compliments. The correct response is not, "Ohh pshhh you're great, of course you won't be single for the rest of your life." The right answer is to agree with me and then engage me in a logistical discussion about what would happen if I DO end up being single forever. Preparation is key and I would rather think this through than deny it and then be blindsided when several decades from now I've somehow morphed into a crazy puppy lady (because cats...ew).

Sidenote: being a crazy puppy lady does not sound like a bad way to lead my life. I could live with this because...PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES.


Least Favorites:

1) "Seeing people you hate getting engaged on Facebook."

This doesn't bother me at all, actually. People I hate are terrible, and so their husbands or wives-to-be are probably also terrible. I don't envy anyone just by virtue of the fact that they're getting married; I only envy those who are marrying someone that I myself would want to marry. That means you, Blake Lively, you steaming sack of crap.

2) "Thinking about the fact that Kim Kardashian will reproduce before you will."

I think this one is stupid because HELLO, if you're dating Kanye West and you don't want to reproduce then what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't even find him particularly attractive but I DO find him particularly awesome. I'm not even sure if I ever want to have kids, but I would definitely want some Arielle/Kanye hybrids running around. Because they would be ridiculous and great. So yeah, Kim is never going to do better than Kanye and this receives my stamp of approval.

3) "Those moments where everyone else is sleeping with someone but you."

HAHA. I pity everyone who has to share a bed on a regular basis.

Oh wait, does this mean sex and not actual sleeping? Because then that sucks. But I really think it means literal sleeping and not winkwinknudgenudge "sleeping."

4) "When you can’t find your vibrator."

Ladies, if this has ever happened to you, please tell me. Because what the fuck.