I have no idea how to start this post but it's been bumbling around my head for the last few days so I'm just going to spit it all out.
I've been dealing with a bout of cripplingly low self-esteem.
I don't like that. I don't like writing it and in fact I want to delete that sentence and this whole post and just forget about writing it. But I think this is something I need to put out to the world.
It's weird saying I have low self-esteem because I think I come off as someone who is pretty confident. And in many ways, I am.
The thing is, EVERYONE has low self-esteem sometimes (if you don't, hi, I'd like to be you). We all at some point think we're not smart enough or don't have a prestigious enough job or our hair is ugly or what have you. I think the reason I really feel the need to put MY self-esteem issues out there right this minute is because, after 28 years on this planet and maybe 14 or so of them being ones in which I was actively interested in boys (am I supposed to say "men" now that I'm like, old or something?), I realize that my self-esteem is seriously fucking up my love life. I mean, in a major way.
This is a weird thing to say in light of the fact that I'm in the middle of a blog series where I talk about how much I love being single and where I try to perpetuate this idea of the glamorous life of the single New York woman. But all of that is 100% genuine. I DO love being single and I DO love sort of being this unattached woman on the go. But it doesn't mean that it isn't nice to have at least have some guy on the periphery of your life, somehow. I'm making zero sense. Let me explain.
When I walk down the street, or look around as I wait on the subway platform, or watch TV, or look at pictures of me and my friends, or you know, look at anyone ever, here's what goes through my head:
"Hotter than me...hotter than me...I want her flat stomach...hotter than me...I'm not tall or skinny enough to pull off that outfit...why doesn't my hair look like that ever...hotter than me...hotter than me...hotter than me."
It's exhausting and never makes me feel all that great. But I can't help it. And here's the love life part of it: when a guy talks to me, I assume he's either drunk or bored or is just biding his time until he can talk to one of my hotter friends. And if he DOESN'T talk to me, I know it's because I'm not attractive enough.
I joke all the time on this blog about how I'm perpetually single. That is only mostly true because I was in one relationship for about a year and a half when I was 23-24. I say that the reason I continue to be single is because I'm emotionally unavailable and totally unapproachable. While those are true and probably don't help, deep down I'm convinced that the reason I'm always going to be single is because guys don't find me attractive.
I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF.
I think all my friends are hotter than I am but it doesn't even bother me because my awesome personality affords me plenty of friends, and clearly that's not an area where I'm lacking. The "blech" feeling I get when I look in the mirror has nothing to do with friends and everything to do with the attention I don't get from the opposite sex.
What the fuck is that? That's some bullshit if you ask me. I hate this weird feeling of needing to be validated by male attention. Who even taught me that I'm supposed to think that way? I happen to think I'm smart and fun and a person that a lot of people want to be around, yet I walk around constantly feeling like garbage because I'm never the girl who needs saving from gross guys at bars and am always the friend doing the saving.
The really messed up thing is that compared to the norm, it's pretty much raining men in my life right now. I have 2 guys in my phone that I could drunk text at 3 AM if I wanted to (which is about 2 more than I usually have), and another guy who, after talking to me at a bar for literally 2 hours (okay, we were talking for MOST of that time), insisted on being Facebook friends so that we can meet up when he returns to New York in a few months. So yes, that totally sounds like someone who gets no attention at all. Or not. But for some reason, I feel crappier than pretty much I ever have and I've convinced myself that had I met these guys when they were sober, things would have been different.
THAT IS SO FUCKED UP.
This is also, to be totally honest, the reason why I'm not into online dating. No, I'm not crazy about the idea of picking through profiles but what it all boils down to is that I cannot bear the debilitating fear that I'll show up to a date and a guy will be disappointed with how I look. I happen to think I'm particularly photogenic (go me!) and I could post even the worst possible pictures and I'd still think that a guy was somehow going to expect me to be hotter.
Yesterday I sent an email to a not-yet-mentioned-in-this-blog-post guy I have a slight crush on. It wasn't a big deal of an email and I didn't ask him out, but it pretty much opened up the possibility for us to get drinks one day IN A GROUP. Yet as soon as I sent it I felt like throwing up. And still do. I can think of nothing but him seeing through my friendly email to the feelings behind it and being disgusted at the fact that I like him, or sitting around with his girlfriend (I have no idea if he has one, I'm obviously hoping not) laughing at me. Except this guy is nice and friendly and even if he isn't single and even if he isn't interested in me I'm pretty sure he's not disgusted or laughing or any of those. Yet I can't help but be haunted by that thought, as though a guy would cringe at the possibility of ever going to grab a drink with me.
This is seriously not normal. Being AFRAID of online dating is not normal. Thinking that my life would be SO DIFFERENT if I lost 100 pounds (slight exaggeration) is not normal. Thinking that a guy who gave me his number after we met on the subway and seemed legitimately happy to hear from me somehow still doesn't like me is not normal. But I don't know how to shake it.
And that's it, I suppose.
PS - the thought of hitting "Publish" on this sort of also makes me want to barf.
PPS - I don't know how to close comments but please do not feel the need to comment about the fact that I'm not ugly. In fact, I prefer that you don't. I'm not searching for compliments or kind words or anything, I just needed to get this off my chest.
5 comments:
Tell you what, let's you and me get together for drinks and we can compare squishy stomachs and flabby thighs. And then start rumors about all the pretty girls in the room.
I'll send you an email so we can discuss more. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We have lots to talk about next week. And because I'm usually always right, you are fabulous Arielle.
I can completely understand where you're coming from...I get similar feelings that can sometimes feel crippling and, for me, it comes from me being frustrated that I'm single. and have been for FOREVER. I start comparing myself only when I'm hit with a barrage of photos of my friends and ex-classmates and their significant others. (huge reason why I go on facebook in little doses)
and I hate those types of 'icky' feelings that are a mix of jealousy sadness. sometimes I have to literally look at myself in the mirror and tell myself to SNAP OUT OF IT because it can lead to a downward spiral of emotions. and it gets really ugly from there.
obviously, I think you're pretty fab but I know you're not fishing for compliments. I'm always an email away if you ever just need to bitch about it all.
First off, you're amazing. You're hilarious, witty and you're gorgeous too. I don't understand why you've not been snapped up.
Yet I can totally identify, as I have a lot of similar issues. I'm pretty much perpetually single - I think in my 32 years on the planet about three years has been spent in relationships - or pseudo-relationships!
I actually don't mind being single but sometimes I do wonder if there's something wrong with me. I couldn't online date, I can barely DATE! A guy I went to school with recently asked me out on FB (been there, done that, but at least it's a different guy, albeit from the same class!) and the very idea of it terrifies me. Okay, it's partly because I'm still hung up on my ex, but dating is HORRIBLE.
Just be assured that it's not just you. It makes ME feel better to know it's not just me, and the fact that other commenters feel similarly makes me realise I'm not in it alone too.
Sorry for the big rambling comment but I just read this post and thought "oh my god, she is me!"
First off, I've only been reading your blog for a little while but already have a total blog crush on you! You're smart, funny and a great writer.
I think you've managed to put down on paper (err screen) exactly how a lot of us feel at times but can't communicate properly. Attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your preference) does affect the way you feel about yourself. It shouldn't, but it does.
In my life it always seems to be the beautiful, intelligent, witty women who are single. My mum has always told me that men are scared of attractive women (usually when I was getting upset over being perpetually single) and I know she's biased but I also think there's quite a bit of truth in it.
We can sometimes be guilty of forgetting that boys are just as capable as us of having low self-esteem. It must be downright terrifying to approach a woman surrounded by people, clearly having a good time.
P.S. They will always be boys not men.
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