"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride"

I am in a constant state of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I spend way too much time and way too much money commuting into New York to go to a temp job that I'm pretty sure a 14 year-old could do. I don't read because I don't have time to go to the library, I don't go to the gym because my gym membership is in New York where I don't even freaking live, I don't devote the kind of attention to either of my blogs as I would like because the only writing time I have is during the day when I'm doing this receptionist thing and every train of thought gets interrupted by a Constantly. Ringing. Phone. I can't even make it to half the networking meetings I sign up for (remember that whole job search?) because I'm desperately trying to fit in the few remnants of normal life that I have right now - a rushed dinner with friends, a dodgeball game, catching up on TV shows - and I can't fully commit to anything so instead I end up half-assing everything. I feel like I'm always running for a train, and then when I get to where I'm going I turn right back around because it's time to go somewhere else and I end up not spending any quality time in either place.

There isn't much that's more hurtful to one's self esteem than looking for a job. Every day that goes by without so much as a prospect of an interview makes me feel that much more inadequate, that much more annoyed that many of my classmates are out using their brains and making 4 times what I'm making at this temp job. I'm missing the constant intellectual challenge of business school, and while I started my business blog as a way of keeping myself interested in business issues, there's really no match for being in a classroom and having a free exchange of ideas between professor and students. I know somewhere out there is a job opportunity that will challenge me and make me feel like a real, intelligent person again, but how to find it and how to convince someone that I'm worth taking a chance on is beyond me.

Because I live at home it's hard for me to make last minute plans. While I'm never opposed to planning in advance, I pride myself on being someone who will pick up and go to drinks/dinner/whatever NYC has to offer with almost no notice. Knowing that I can't stay anywhere too late because I have to go home in New Jersey puts a damper on being able to do things that I didn't know about at least a day in advance. Because even while I have many couches to crash on even at the last minute, it's always, "oh, I don't have a toothbrush/pajamas/clothes to wear to work tomorrow, but thanks anyway."

Forget about personal relationships. Many of my friendships have been relegated to some quick emails or gchats during the day. Meaningful conversation is limited and while I relish my weekends, which have somehow turned into a weekly episode of getting drunk before 3, it's just not enough. I don't get enough social time yet I also don't get enough personal time and how is that even possible?

Yesterday my friend asked me if I would play volleyball with her because her friend's team needed more women for a game that night. I already had gym clothes with me because of a dodgeball game so I thought, "HELL YES," because playing volleyball makes me feel like a real live person who has interests and who is good at something (I am not good at dodgeball, not even a little bit). And so I ran out at the end of my temp job to catch the train uptown, only to find that more than one subway line was completely f'ed up. 45 minutes later I was still wandering around the financial district, soaked due to a broken umbrella, trying to get uptown. I barely made it on time to my dodgeball game, which was an hour after volleyball was supposed to happen. Though it wasn't a big deal that I missed out, I had had this tiny morsel of being a fun, normal person dangling in front of me and the subway messed it up for me and I was crushed.

Right now I'm annoyed at myself for whining and annoyed at myself for this post which did not come out even remotely close to the eloquent thing I had planned in my head. I am not by any means miserable even though it might seem this way. I just want something to be FIGURED OUT. I want a job on the horizon, an apartment that maybe isn't mine yet but I know I'll be moving in soon, or a day where I can sit with my computer and write all the blog posts in my head with no interruptions, then watch all the TV I haven't caught up on and read a book. I'd also accept getting drinks with my friends without worrying about when the next train is or really any kind of activity that makes me feel like I am a smart, fun person who is in control of her time. Because right now I'm in the middle of all these places but I'm not fully anywhere, and somewhere on one of my many NJ Transit trips between states, I lost myself.