What 20sb means to me

A week or so ago, it was the 3rd/4th/I don't know 20 something bloggers' video blog day. The topic? What the 20sb community means to you. As I watched some of your videos, I thought about what I would say if I were to do a vlog of my own. "What does 20sb mean to me?" I thought.

The answer: nothing. The 20 something bloggers community does not mean a damn thing to me. This realization was a little bit sad, but I think deep down I've known it all along.

Seven and a half years ago, I started my first Xanga site. I had never heard the word "blog" back then, so I called it my "online diary." I put a link to it in my AIM profile since, as we all remember, in college AIM = the world. My friends would occasionally talk to me about things I had written, or the handful of people I knew who also had Xanga sites would comment through Xanga.

There was ONE time where I received a Xanga comment from someone I didn't know. Once in five and a half years. And I was weirded out. Severely. "What is this random person doing reading my site? Who are they and how did they find me? And why are they communicating with me?"

Almost 2 years ago, I made the leap from Xanga to Blogspot. Xanga seemed sort of passe and I felt that I had outgrown it.

As soon as I made the move, I felt overwhelmed. All of a sudden I was getting comments from people who just "stumbled upon this blog," and I signed up for this 20sb website thing that I didn't know how or why it existed. I learned about things like guest posting and memes (which I still don't know how to pronounce) and the fact that bloggers give these little award badges to each other and that if you don't get one you're supposed to feel like that kid in elementary school who never got any Valentines (we obviously did not partake in this ritual in Jew school, but I watch TV, I know what's up).

Since that time in 2007 I've become a bit more accustomed to this "community" thing. I've had guest posters and I have guest posted; I've met bloggers in person; I've even gotten in TROUBLE for blogging, which is something I don't think I could have fathomed in eleventy billion years back in 2002.

Despite the fact that I'm a bit more comfortable with the state of my blog than I used to be, I can't say that it has really impacted my life too much. Sure, I've found blogs that I absolutely adore because the writing is fresh and funny, I've hung out with bloggers and shared stories over beers, and I found bloggers who I hope I do get the privilege of meeting one day. But have any of these people really had an influence, large or small, over my life? No. This is obviously not to say that I don't like the people I've met in real life (excuse me, "IRL"), but I don't exactly think I've made any best friends (I would apologize to those of you who I HAVE met, but I'm sure you all feel similarly about me). This is ALSO not to say that I begrudge those of you who have made close friends out of bloggers. If you have, that's fantastic.

I thought about this for a bit, and realized that in order to make the connections, you have to put in the effort. I read far more often than I comment, mostly because I'm just too lazy to click away from my Google reader. And while I used to look regularly for new blogs to add to my reader, I just don't care anymore and only add new blogs when I feel so inspired. And the 20sb boards? After briefly dabbling in them, I realized I just flat out don't want to read them anymore.

The thing is, I don't think I want to put in the effort to make the connections. The 20sb community is a SCENE. 20 something bloggers has become so much about attention and comment whoring and who can meet the most people in person and flaunt it to the rest of the internet. Frankly, I can't get down with it. I wonder how many people are really writing because they love to do it and how many are writing to garner new readers. Which, you know, if that's your thing, that's fine. But to me, having one "real" friend come up to me and say, "Arielle, I love your blog" is far more meaningful than having 1 or 20 or 100 people I've never met comment on something I've written. And the most meaningful thing of all is reading over something I wrote, whether a freshly submitted blog post or something I wrote years ago, and thinking to myself about how much I really like it (this happens less often than I would like, unfortch).

We aren't in high school anymore. We aren't even in college (at least, no one I read is). I have no interest in inserting myself into the right bloggy clique, or trying to make myself known so that next year people vote for me for some meaningless award like "Best Blog Written By Someone Who Has Lived in New York, New Jersey AND Massachusetts."

So while I'm not taking down my 20sb profile any time soon, I'm also not about to go out of my way to try to make new friends here. I will continue to read new blogs when I want to do so, and will comment as I see fit. Just like I did in 2002, I will write what I want, when I want. Because while I'm sure there are some great people out there, I can't spend the entirety of my online life trying to connect with them. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I will continue on my merry way. But blogging for other people means losing my sense of self in this crazy blogging world which I entered, years ago, for no one else but me.

And that, my friends, is that.