I can get my own toilet paper, thankyouverymuch

I hate bathroom attendants. And I need to talk about it.

Look, I am all about creating jobs, particularly in a recessionary environment. But I support the creation of real, meaningful jobs. Not stupid and flat out useless ones.

Bathroom attendants make me uncomfortable. They are people who sit in a room that is essentially designated for people to do gross things. Would YOU want to spend several hours at a time in a bathroom? No, you wouldn't. The only benefit to working in a bathroom is that the bathroom is never far away. But you can't take snack breaks (unless you eat in the bathroom, in which case, don't touch me) and you have to just sit or stand there while girls pee and vomit and partake in inane chatter around you. Have you ever heard a group of drunk girls of which you had no part talking in a bathroom? 9 times out of 10 it makes you want to jam a pencil in your ear.

The real reason I hate bathroom attendants, though, is because they are trying to get me to pay them to do a job that not only am I capable of doing by myself, but that parents worldwide spend a lot of time trying to TRAIN and ENCOURAGE children to do by themselves. My parents potty trained me so that I can use the bathroom, wash my hands, and dry them. Alone. Without help. I've been successfully going to the bathroom by myself for most of my 26 years, why are you trying to help me out now? I mean, how dare you think I'm about to give you a dollar for handing me a paper towel. If I can drive a car, I'm pretty sure I can reach for my own damn towel.

Now, don't go all jumpy jumping down my back about not tipping. I tip everyone else who normally receives tips. In fact, I usually tip well. Now, I understand that I am perfectly capable of jumping behind a bar and making myself an excellent vodka soda. Yet I still tip the bartenders who make them for me. Why? Because a) alcohol is how bars make money and they need people to regulate its distribution, b) alcohol comes with legal liability if distributed and thus consumed improperly, and c) society has never taught me that it's okay to hurl myself over a bar, shove the bartender out of the way and do it myself. Do bars make or lose significant money off paper towels? No. Can I overdose on paper towels and then sue the bar when I get hurt? No. Has society taught me that it's okay for other people to assist me in peeing? No. If you told me you couldn't go to the bathroom by yourself, I would tell you to stop talking to me. Because you would be gross and weird.

When I was in New Orleans, we stopped at Pat O'Briens for some legendary hurricanes. When I went to use the bathroom, I found that there was an attendant inside distributing toilet paper. TOILET PAPER. As in, they purposely removed all the TP from the stalls and if you did not get some from this woman, you did not get toilet paper. I was appalled. I paid the bar $8 for a delicious beverage, and along with that beverage there are some perks. Namely, I get to sit in one of your chairs and use your bathroom. It's how the hospitality industry works. If you think Starbucks drinks are overpriced solely because of higher quality ingredients, you're wrong. It's a way of charging you (in a palatable way) for taking up their comfy chairs for 4 hours.

The business-y thing that bothers me about this is that bathroom attendants are essentially a completely random middleman (ahem, middlewoman) inserted into the supply chain. People generally like to minimize the number of hands that any product has to pass through before reaching the end consumer. That's why there's a huge push to buy locally sourced goods - the closer it starts to you, the easier and cheaper and greener it is for it to get to you. I realize that bathroom attendants are not exactly harming the environment, but they are harming my sense of comfort and, quite honestly, provide no value except annoyance. If you want to pay extra to have a valet park your car because you're too lazy to do it yourself, that's all fine and well because they're adding a convenience to your life. Bathroom attendants do not add convenience - they only add an extra hoop to jump through to get what is rightfully yours - some motherf'ing toilet paper.

In defense of New Jersey

Despite the fact that I often say I'm from New York, I am, in fact, only sort of from New York. I was born in Manhattan, lived in Queens until I was 8, and then moved to New Jersey, where I lived until I left for college. In Boston I usually say I'm from New York, mostly because it's where I lived before I moved here, but people have told me that they consider the place you're from to be where you went to high school. In which case, I am from New Jersey. And proud of it.

New Jersey is a state that has never quite found favor in the eyes of the rest of the country. And Jersey Shore, as much as I love that show, didn't do much to help.

The thing is, the people who hate on the Jerz are very frequently people who have NEVER BEEN THERE. And, for the record, I do not count "I drove through it once" or "I had a 2 week assignment in Hackensack" as having been there.

Jersey has been hated on as long as I can remember, and while I am usually the first to put my home state down, it's only okay when us Jersey folk do it. Recently, I saw a blog post expressing outrage at the fact that Cleveland was named the most miserable city in the U.S., and Alexa's response was, "Have you been to Jersey?" My first reaction was "New Jersey isn't a city last time I checked, let's compare apples to apples." My second reaction was, "Let me share the gospel of the Jerz to the world." So here I am.

Now, I'm not going to repeat everything you've ever read in defense of New Jersey, like "We have Bruce Springsteen! And we don't pump our own gas!" As awesome as I think the Jerz is, no one is going to believe any of that. So I'm going to now take the standpoint of, "NEW JERSEY DOES NOT SUCK ANY MORE THAN YOUR HOME STATE."

Oh really, you have things like theaters and museums and good restaurants and fun bars? Do you think the 2 major and awesome cities near New Jersey have had no influence on it in that regard? (Full disclosure: I know nothing about Philly but people say it's cool). Surprisingly, New Jersey is NOT 100% dirty, smelly highway. We have beaches and cute little suburban towns and cities that are not dumps and things to do. We have public transportation and malls and diners galore and pretty much everything required to live a normal lifestyle. We have some of the nation's top high schools and we produce a shit ton of cranberries.

We also have the country's highest population density despite the fact that 1/3 of the state is essentially forest and crops (see: aforementioned cranberries and also the fact that it is called the GARDEN STATE). So we are also magicians because really, how does that happen?

Specifically, New Jersey has my favorite science museum, the best sandwiches in the history of the world with the exception of possibly the New Orleans muffuletta, and the craziest ever St. Patty's Day parade which, yes, is far better than any celebration found in my beloved New York City.

The point is, New Jersey certainly has some crappy parts, but be honest, every state does. And if you want to start pointing fingers, let's go with middle America AKA lots of flat nothingness and no proximity to ANYTHING (rule of thumb: if you live more than an hour from a major airport, I have no desire to ever live where you live).

All you New Jersey haters, sit down. Take your insecurities about your own states elsewhere because we, my friends, are awesome.

Lacey's Pole Patrol

Did you miss me? You probably even forgot I was gone since I had all those awesome Ghost of Arielle Past posts put up. I am finally back from my Mardi Gras/NYC adventure and while I will hopefully get around to sharing the madness that is New Orleans, I wanted to give some photo highlights of Lacey's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I'm sure she is planning her own awesome photo recap blog post as well.

First, the bridal shower.

This is my mom with her photo bingo cards. You can't really see but there are different pictures of Lacey in each space, and a picture of Dave as the free space.

Lacey is adorning the fabulous ribbon crown that I made her with skillz I never knew I had. I like that we're both wearing wedding purple.

And now, the more exciting stuff. The bachelorette party!

Customized cupcakes thanks to Sugar Sweet Sunshine. They're supposed to be "L"s but they sort of look like "1"s. Which is okay. LACEY IS NUMBER 1! These cupcakes match our...

T-SHIRTS! Lacey's Pole Patrol! If you don't think this is the f'ing most hilarious thing to ever go on a t-shirt, then..you stink. Trying to make sure Lacey wore jeans to the bachelorette without telling her we had t-shirts made was a lot more difficult than I expected. Oy.

So we went to a pole dancing class, obviously. I'm not sure why I always make that face or why I think it looks good. It doesn't.

Here we are learning to spin.

About to leave pole dancing class to head to the bar.

And of course, I had to make Lacey drink out of her bachelorette shot glass necklace. You can also see her huge blingy fake light up engagement ring on the other hand.

All in all it was a fabulous day/night (with a LOT more pictures) and now that it's over it's time to start gearing up for the wedding! WOOHOO!