Single Girl at the Wedding

Friends, it was only a matter of time before Single Girl Confidential addressed the thing that, for better or worse, is on every single lady's mind: WEDDINGS. As usual, you can find Jess's thoughts over here.

It's been wedding season for about 6 years now. I have long since lost track of the number of weddings I've been to, and I've been solo at most of them. There are a few different elements of being the single girl at the wedding.

THE SINGLES TABLE

Before I went to my first friend-wedding in June 2007, my mom told me I would be seated at "the singles table." She was pretty excited because it was a Jewish wedding and I was bound to meet some Hebrew Hotties.

I did not meet any Hebrew Hotties that day, largely because a) this was an Orthodox crowd and I am in no way Jewy enough for those guys, and b) most people there were couples, because at the ripe old age of 23 a lot of Orthodox Jews have already married off and begun the process of seemingly endless baby-making.

Another huge reason why I didn't pick up any of the sexy Jew men at my singles table was because THERE WAS NO SINGLES TABLE. The friend getting married was a friend of mine from elementary/middle school, and I was seated at a table of people I hadn't seen since the 8th grade (this sounds terrible, but it was awesome because I legitimately miss those people).

My mom has casually mentioned this "singles table" phenomenon a few different times, but in all my weddings I have never been seated at one. So I now have a theory that the singles table is an outdated thing that was cool in the 70s, whereas modern couples choose to seat their friends not by marital status, but by common association (college! high school! the cool and fun people!*).**

So the singles table is not a thing. MYTH DEBUNKED.

THE SEXY HOOKUPS

I've hooked up with a fellow single wedding-goer at pretty much every wedding I've been to alone. And by that I actually mean I have literally never even come close to doing this. Ever.

My theory behind why I have never hooked up at a wedding is because weddings encompass pretty much my 2 favorite things in life: drinking and dancing. And when I'm drunk and dancey I want nothing to do with anyone else unless that person is the bartender. Or perhaps one of the friends who is clearly dancing in a circle with me. Getting your freak on? Ain't nobody got time for that.

BESTIES 4LYFE

Being single means you make friends at weddings. I always come back from nuptials with at least a few new Facebook buddies. This is especially true at weddings where I don't know that many people, because damnit you need friends to dance in aforementioned circle with you. Plus, the table of cool and fun people always has at least a few single people at it and you bond over too much champagne and discussion of figuring out what the vegetable is that came with your fillet/chicken/vegetarian option.

THE BOUQUET TOSS

Single women are expected to be all up in this grill but I would rather be forced to wear my heels the whole night than actively participate in a bouquet toss. I resent the assumption that I'm willing to beat down my fellow single chick in order to catch some flowers and then have some handsy guy lift up my dress and put the garter on my leg IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WEDDING, all in the name of ensuring that I'm the next one to get married because obviously this logically follows from catching the bouquet.

In general, I think single women are supposed to hate weddings because it reminds you of everything you don't have in life. But giving me an opportunity to dress up, shake my groove thang and indulge in open bar? Sign me up! I will gladly be the single girl at the wedding. Always.



* You think I'm joking about the table of "cool and fun people," but I assure you that I have been told by multiple brides that my wedding table contained the people most likely to party the shit out of the wedding. So there.
** There was one wedding I went to with no seating arrangements at all. We were told to sit wherever. So my friend and I sat wherever and then the groom told us we could not sit at the table we had chosen and instead we had to sit at a table that was not even within viewing distance of anyone else we knew at this wedding and if you think I didn't grumble about it for the next hour or three, you clearly don't know me.

I am weird

Sometimes when I'm waiting for a text message, I mean REALLY waiting, like dying for someone to respond to something I've said, I turn my phone on silent and flip it over so I can't see the screen.

On the surface, this appears to make no sense. But in actuality, it gives me the illusion of control. Because if I left the ringer on, I would anxiously be waiting for my phone to make a noise and it would completely distract me from whatever other important thing I'm trying to do (like watch TV, obviously). But when I turn my sound off, it's up to ME to decide when I feel like checking my phone to see if the text has come through.

I can't decide if this is completely neurotic or absolute genius.

Let's be real. It's neurotic.

I'm kind of digging this short blog post. I should do this more often.

Travel and reindeer and glasses, oh my

Here is a random mishmosh of what's going on in my very exciting life, including stuff that you guys asked for. BECAUSE YOU CARE! (No sarcasm). I feel special.

Right, so. I dyed my hair red (again!). Here is a pic.

I've never gone this dark before but I love it. I would like to keep my hair this color forever. Moving on.

I have 2 big trips coming up! This is fantastic because I don't travel very often and I haven't left the country since May 2009. So..YAY.

At the end of April I'm headed to Seattle for a wedding. I've never been there and when I'm not at the wedding I'm going to spend my time drinking delicious beer, browsing the Pike Place Market, going up the Space Needle, and downing a shit ton of Starbucks. A friend, who is originally from Seattle, asked me to smoke a huge legal blunt on the street on his behalf. I will not be doing that.

More important than my trip to Seattle is my trip to London, which is at the end of March/beginning of April. I will be gone for 11 glorious days and I am going to snog the shit out of as many hot British blokes as I possibly can. Which, knowing me, will probably be about zero to one hot British blokes. I guess I will also go see Buckingham Palace or something. AND EAT SO MUCH CADBURY'S ALL THE CRUNCHIES IN MY MOUTH.

Anyway I'm sure it's pretty clear that I have never been to London. I'm pretty pumped. And glad I have a friend there who can take care of my itinerary so that I do not spend the entire time eating candy and awkwardly hitting on men. Also we are probably going to spend a few days in either Ireland or France and all this makes me want to do is talk about more things I want to put in my mouth. Interpret that as you wish. BA DUM BUM.

Related to these two great awesome trips is the fact that I did my taxes yesterday and because I was on unemployment for most of last year I owe the government no less than eleventy billion dollars. So I'm glad I spent all this money on trips because I was already pretty poor from that and now I am EXTRA poor. Great.

Kate, who I had lunch with the other day (yay!), wanted to see a picture of the reindeer headbands from Christmas. ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE. You will also notice the dreidel headband. Because the chosen people are always represented here.

NEXT. I am presently obsessed with this song.


Macklemore is legit. And he is from Seattle. THIS BLOG POST IS COMING FULL CIRCLE.

That made no sense, I know. I'm really tired.

And finally, I decided to get my eyes checked today for the first time in 6 years (making my lifetime eye exam total...2). I've had a pair of glasses since my first eye exam and while I used to wear them occasionally, I haven't put them on in at least 2 or 3 years at this point. I don't think my vision is bad at all but I do have some trouble with distance so I wanted to get that shit checked out.

YOU GUYS. My eyes are apparently pretty bad. Like the woman there was honestly shocked that I see okay in a glasses-less world. The doctor checked out my current glasses and told me they're fine for me to wear even though they probably aren't as strong as I need them to be. She said I should probably wear them..all the time. Because my eyes suck. And are OVAL SHAPED. I believe the proper word for this is "astigmatism" but I'm just going to walk around saying that I have weird shaped eyeballs. It sounds funnier.

Anyway, I will not be wearing my glasses all the time because I'm not ready to completely change how my face looks for the rest of my motherf'ing life. But I will try to at least wear them while on the computer.

So here's another picture! I call this "It is Friday night and I am very sleepy."