Okay, so hopefully everyone is up on the Bongo Jordy saga. Even though I blocked his phone number and got Gmail to send him an auto-reply every time he emails me that says I no longer use this email address, he still emails me! What gives?
I seriously think this kid is bipolar. He won't email me for like 3 weeks and then he sends me multiple emails all at once. He must be emailing me on his good days. Or bad days. I can't tell.
In any case, here are a few of the emails I've gotten from him in the last 10 days. But first, a question - do you guys think I should send him an email that essentially says GO THE FUCK AWAY, or should I just keep ignoring him forever? I want to get rid of him but I'm nervous that he's going to take any response from me as interest and send me even more emails. Also, if I respond to an email then it shows I've clearly been lying with the fake auto-reply thing. Argh.
Hey Ariel sorry about those messages I got really hammerd that night, I know you probably don't want to keep in touch, so I'll be brief, please? Anyway I enabled my text again so If there is a chance for me to redeem my stupid medsages my # is (number redacted because I'm nice!), again sorry about that, bye.
We could grab some sushi or something?
Ok lets put this in perspective, rather than the Israelites fleeing Egypt after the plagues and eventual emancipation, they suddenly then realize they have a complete lack of dignity decide to stay in stick around in Egypt demanding equal opertunities and fare treetment by the evil Egyptians. Next they pass a laws that make it illegal not to have a certain amount of Isrealites working in every big Egyptian company, next they make a bunch of horrible music, and then well you get the picture they become prone to crime and become a huge burden with little to no discretion whatsoever.
Come on sushi tonight?
Hi, I would really like you to respond to me so I could quite acting like a jack-ass. No pressure just would like it if you would, bye.
Ok how about a blended sushi margarita? (ed note: ew?)
This just in Katie Curick is a robot sent from the future to destroy humanity.
People are always praising someone If they save someone else's life, but what about those who make another life? Think about it we could be heroes.
Wheel of Fortune doesn't hold a candle to Jeopardy, I don't even know why its still on the air.
When you sleep I will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt you can't get rid of. (ed note: FRIGHTENING)
If you can give me another chance I will be really happy, I know your a nice person, and realize you are probably just not nice to jerks, and I admit that I have been acting like one. So I will just say I'm sorry and I hope you don't think of me in that light, sorry again Arielle.
Love Jordan
Okay, I think that's quite enough. There were plenty more than just those, believe you me. So, thoughts? So I come out of hiding to tell him to go away or just stay quiet forever? Help meeeee!
The best idea I've ever had. Ever.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Labels:
Jew power
It all started when someone asked me to explain the story of Chanukah.
Now, I KNOW the story of Chanukah. However, during my retelling I realized there were a few details that escaped me - namely, the name of the Jew-oppressing king, and over which of the Jews' many friendly neighboring nations he presided.
This led me to wikipedia, where I was able to brush up on the Chanukah-related knowledge that I've lost since I learned all this stuff in Jew school years ago. One link led to another, and I ended up spending a good chunk of time reading about different Jewish holidays and writings and Old Testament characters.
It was a pretty upsetting experience, actually, because I seriously knew all of this stuff at one point in time. But I sadly lack the kind of spongey-brain that others do and instead of retaining anything I learned in school, my brain is filled with useless song lyrics, how to count from 1 to 10 in Tamil, and all the minute plot lines from Glee episodes, even the ones they abandoned after one episode (remember when they kicked Finn off the football team for a day? Why even bother?).
And then it hit me.
I, and probably many other people, would remember stuff that happened in the bible if they made it into a TELEVISION SHOW.
I am so beyond serious.
The bible (and by that I mean Old Testament, because I do not proclaim to know even the first thing about the New Testament except maybe there's a Matthew and a Paul and a Jesus) has so much interesting and crazy stuff in it that it would actually make for a really awesome TV show.
Picture it:
God sits around (voiced by either Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones, clearly), kind of bored.
"Ho hum, how do I entertain myself from now until eternity?"
BLAST! Light! BLAST! Trees! BLAST! Animals! BLAST! People!
God: Alright Adam and Eve, hang out here in the garden. Your life will be awesome. Just don't eat from this one tree.
Snake: EVE! Eat from this tree! It's soooo yummy!
Eve: Okay, if you twist my arm...
God: EVE! You idiot, you ruined it for everyone. Now people are going to have to deal with FIRE and WAR and JUSTIN BIEBER.
I can imagine the conversations people will have about it the day after the episodes air.
Friend 1: DUDE did you watch The Bible Show last night? I can't believe Cain killed Abel like what the crap man THAT WAS SO CRAZY, HIS OWN BROTHER!
Friend 2: Aw come on man, give me a spoiler alert next time I didn't get to watch yet!
There is just so much awesome material here. You have fathers almost sacrificing sons and epic floods and wars and lots of wine consumption and sexy sex (even incest!) and deceit and fights with angels and all through it is AWESOME GOD smiting people left and right.
God: Pharoah you ass, Moses asked you like 100 times to let his people be freed from slavery in Egypt. Cue the blood! Frogs! Locusts! Boils! Super thick darkness! Slaying of the first born children! And all those other plagues including HAIL FILLED WITH FIRE.
There isn't much that's more badass than hail filled with fire.
God: Sodom and Gomorrah! Ya'll are a bunch of Sinner McSinsalots. FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!
God: Oh by the way, Lot and Family, when you're running away from Sodom and Gomorrah as they burn to a crisp, don't look back or ELSE.
Lot's Wife: ::turns around::
God: Did you learn nothing from Eve!?!? Why don't you people listen to me when I tell you not to do things? ::turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt::
You get the idea.
I would watch this show. I think a lot of people would. It would be an action-packed show with a large enough cast to create a job for every struggling actor in Hollywood and it would be amazing.
Mark my words.
Now, I KNOW the story of Chanukah. However, during my retelling I realized there were a few details that escaped me - namely, the name of the Jew-oppressing king, and over which of the Jews' many friendly neighboring nations he presided.
This led me to wikipedia, where I was able to brush up on the Chanukah-related knowledge that I've lost since I learned all this stuff in Jew school years ago. One link led to another, and I ended up spending a good chunk of time reading about different Jewish holidays and writings and Old Testament characters.
It was a pretty upsetting experience, actually, because I seriously knew all of this stuff at one point in time. But I sadly lack the kind of spongey-brain that others do and instead of retaining anything I learned in school, my brain is filled with useless song lyrics, how to count from 1 to 10 in Tamil, and all the minute plot lines from Glee episodes, even the ones they abandoned after one episode (remember when they kicked Finn off the football team for a day? Why even bother?).
And then it hit me.
I, and probably many other people, would remember stuff that happened in the bible if they made it into a TELEVISION SHOW.
I am so beyond serious.
The bible (and by that I mean Old Testament, because I do not proclaim to know even the first thing about the New Testament except maybe there's a Matthew and a Paul and a Jesus) has so much interesting and crazy stuff in it that it would actually make for a really awesome TV show.
Picture it:
God sits around (voiced by either Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones, clearly), kind of bored.
"Ho hum, how do I entertain myself from now until eternity?"
BLAST! Light! BLAST! Trees! BLAST! Animals! BLAST! People!
God: Alright Adam and Eve, hang out here in the garden. Your life will be awesome. Just don't eat from this one tree.
Snake: EVE! Eat from this tree! It's soooo yummy!
Eve: Okay, if you twist my arm...
God: EVE! You idiot, you ruined it for everyone. Now people are going to have to deal with FIRE and WAR and JUSTIN BIEBER.
I can imagine the conversations people will have about it the day after the episodes air.
Friend 1: DUDE did you watch The Bible Show last night? I can't believe Cain killed Abel like what the crap man THAT WAS SO CRAZY, HIS OWN BROTHER!
Friend 2: Aw come on man, give me a spoiler alert next time I didn't get to watch yet!
There is just so much awesome material here. You have fathers almost sacrificing sons and epic floods and wars and lots of wine consumption and sexy sex (even incest!) and deceit and fights with angels and all through it is AWESOME GOD smiting people left and right.
God: Pharoah you ass, Moses asked you like 100 times to let his people be freed from slavery in Egypt. Cue the blood! Frogs! Locusts! Boils! Super thick darkness! Slaying of the first born children! And all those other plagues including HAIL FILLED WITH FIRE.
There isn't much that's more badass than hail filled with fire.
God: Sodom and Gomorrah! Ya'll are a bunch of Sinner McSinsalots. FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!
God: Oh by the way, Lot and Family, when you're running away from Sodom and Gomorrah as they burn to a crisp, don't look back or ELSE.
Lot's Wife: ::turns around::
God: Did you learn nothing from Eve!?!? Why don't you people listen to me when I tell you not to do things? ::turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt::
You get the idea.
I would watch this show. I think a lot of people would. It would be an action-packed show with a large enough cast to create a job for every struggling actor in Hollywood and it would be amazing.
Mark my words.
One of New York's simple pleasures
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Labels:
Arielle's favorite things,
Hilarity to the M-A-X
Defaced posters are one of life's most underrated simple pleasures.
To be clear, I don't actually do the defacing. But there's something about walking on the subway platform and looking at all the hastily drawn moustaches, devil horns and blackened teeth that just makes me smile.
Some person, armed with a Sharpie, probably felt SO badass as they sneakily marred the grin of the main character in some upcoming movie. Or maybe they thought they were being really clever when they drew in a nice thought bubble above someone's head that read, "I wish I wasn't such a horrible actress!"
I like to think that if I were famous and I came across a defaced poster of myself, that I'd have a good laugh about it and then maybe take a picture next to it. I don't even think I'd get mad. The world needs more petty, harmless crime like this and fewer shootings and bullyings.
What is really all boils down to is that I just find this stuff hilarious. I love a good internet meme but sometimes, my friends, you just have to kick it old school.