After suffering through 50 Shades of Grey, I needed to get my thoughts about this horrible book down on paper (or blog, whatevs).
I've recruited a few others to also post reviews of this book, because the world (and by "world" I clearly mean "the 3 people who read my blog HEY Y'ALL, LOVE YOU") needs to hear from a few women who have some semblance of a brain and who realize that 50 Shades is a seriously pathetic excuse for literature.
Here is a handy list of why this book is probably the worst thing I've ever read. Ahem:
1) The story takes place in 2011. Our "heroine," Ana, is a 21 year old college student. She does not have a computer. She does not have an email address. I mean...okay. If I ever encountered someone in real life without an email address I would BANISH THEM FROM LIFE. Except I don't have to worry because only in this weird world where gingers are sexy and stalking people is endearing would this actually happen.
1b) Yes, Christian Grey, who, we are reminded constantly, is so insanely attractive that women pretty much melt into puddles all Wicked Witch of the West-style when they see him, is a ginger. HAHAHA OKAY.
2) No one in this book sounds like a real person. People do not seriously say "shall," E.L. James. I don't care if you're a middle aged British woman. Get with the programme (see what I did there?).
3) There is a character named Jose, and he very frequently says, "Dios mio!" If any of you reading this are Hispanic, on a scale of 1 to 10, how offended are you? If I had to guess how many Hispanic people E.L. James has actually met, I'm going to go with...zero.
4) Look, I really don't want to go that much into the sexy sex parts. Mostly because I'm not particularly well-versed in erotic fiction, and I'm definitely not at all well-versed in having totally unrealistic sex. But I will say this: if you read this book because you've heard about how it's revitalized marriages and you want to turn your love life up a notch, DO NOT READ PAST THE SEX PARTS. The prose is honestly so awful that it will take any amount of turned on that you might be and douse it with a bucket of ice water. To the soundtrack of 1,000 crying babies. With the smell of garbage on a hot summer day invading your nostrils. As in, it's a fucking buzz kill.
5) On that note, why is this book so popular with mothers? There are no moms here. Unless you count Christian's mom randomly coming by his house and not being bothered by his new lady friend with sex hair. Which I don't.
6) I think Ana is some kind of robot. She apparently hates eating. Every time Christian asks her if she's eaten (which, FYI, is totally weird), she
gets all sheepish and "Whoopsiesssss totally guilty of not having eaten
today!" as if she's a 5 year old who just got caught stealing cookies
from the kitchen counter. WHY DOESN'T SHE EAT? I mean sure, every so
often I forget to eat or don't have time to, but mostly, NO, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS EVERYONE FUCKING EATS.
7) Related to #6, why
on earth does this book talk about Darfur so much? I mean, why does it
talk about Darfur AT ALL? I know that Christian had some weird
upbringing where he was hungry all the time and that's why he's so
controlling about Ana's food intake and also why he helps out Darfur (?????),
but I kind of feel like this is E.L. James's way of saying, "Hey guys
I’m going to talk about a serious issue now and I'm totally not stupid
because
I’m socially conscious and stuff, what?” Also, I get that he wants to feed people, but doesn't he want to do something about the genocide? PRIORITIES, CHRISTIAN. Also, maybe read a newspaper, E.L.
8) Ana bites her lip a lot. I just tried to bite my lip and look sexy doing it. I failed. In fact, I kind of look like a scared chipmunk. Does anyone look sexy doing this? (Disclaimer: I don't look sexy doing anything, so...fine).
9)We hear a lot about Ana's subconscious, and also a lot about her inner goddess. WHAT IN THE WHAT. First of all, if you anthropomorphize your subconscious, I think that negates the whole "sub" part of it and DOING IT WRONG, E.L. Also, I don't know about you guys, but my subconscious maybe gives me weird dreams sometimes, but it definitely does not yell at me or look at me or anything that one of my besties would do. Because it's not a person. And the inner goddess? Who is this? Her inner slutty sex kitten? Why are these 2 different entities? What is even going on here? IS THIS REAL LIFE?
10) Typos. I wear "sandals," but apparently in this book, you wear "sandles." Does this book have editors??? Were they so blinded with pathetic mommy porn passion that they couldn't even think straight?
Sigh. And eye rolling.
For more hilarious reviews of 50 Shades, check out the Snark Squad, and this amazing article by Julieanne Smolinski.
13 comments:
I love that you and I overlapped on highlighting certain points of horrendousness without talking to each other before hand. We rule.
Lighten up! It's a beach read not literature. Have you never read a harlequin novel?
I tend to agree agree with anonymous. As an english major with my J.D. I don't like feeling belittled by people for reading these and enjoying them. Are they well written? No. Are they contradictory? Sure. Does she need a thesaurus? Absolutely. Is it an unrealistic and 'different' storyline? Yeah. Should I be made to feel stupid for reading all 3 and thinking 'hmm, that was different' and not horrified and appalled? No.
I can't really throw stones, as I've read all of the Twilight books (Jesus, Stephenie Meyer. Enough already.), but...the thing is, there IS good erotic fiction, and there ARE good romance novels. They are smart, and well-written, and readers don't need to feel like they're just reading through shitty prose just to get to the sexy bits. People are free to read what they want, of course, but should know that, as far as sexy books go, It Gets Better. Romance author Jennifer Armintrout recapped 50 Shades as well (http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.co.uk/), and has some wonderfully smart and snarky things to say; if you're actually into romance novels (like Harlequin, for instance), the Smart Bitches (http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/) have plenty of intelligent things to say.
That got pretty rambly, but I guess my point is: you don't have to choose between having fun and being smart. It's ok to think you're too good for a book that couldn't even be properly edited, it really is.
I just read your blog and Lacey's - AFTER I'd written my entry. And we are all pointing out the same stuff, albeit slightly differently!! That's hilarious.
To Anonymous - lighten up. We know this isn't amazing literature. If the author is making a lot of money off of this book, why shouldn't be wonder why people would buy such a poorly written series? It's just snark. Well deserved snark.
Megan - the Julieanne Smolinski review that I linked to makes a similar point - that there IS well written erotic fiction out there, this just isn't it.
And I think regarding Anonymous's comment, to make excuses for this book by calling it a "beach read" doesn't cut it for me - there are plenty of beach reads out there that are actually well written.
Of course everyone is allowed their own opinions - I personally watch a ton of trashy, horrible TV. But if someone says, "America's Next Top Model is a ridiculous show for idiots that will rot your brain," I would agree with them even though I love it.
If you hated the book so much, why did you bother to finish it?
Wait... don't most universities GIVE you an email address? I got one when I started college. In 1997. And I work at a university -- most professors only accept assignments either emailed or posted to the university FTP site.
Yes, I am choosing to focus on that detail and have decided not to read this book. Literary snob that I am.
Oh man I love you. This is hilarious. The Dos Mio one is hilarious and SO TRUE. I forgot that on mine.
And Anonymous needs to just have a little humor about this, it's a few people's POV.
Laters baby.
What annoys me is you have people like anonymous asking why you read through to the end... yet i've saw people attack others on twitter for slagging off 50 Shades without reading it first. I've not read it, currently have no intention to read it, and I feel quite comfortable slagging it off anyway. I'm not going to waste my time, especially when I have people I trust on these issues to do the dirty work for me and prove there is absolutely no point in me doing so! So thanks Arielle, you have saved me several hours of reading pointless drivel that I can't believe has the popularity it has! :-)
The more people talk about this, the less I want to read it. I can't get past shitty writing and no matter how hot or fabulous any of it is, I would probably just get really, really pissed and spend most of my time reading it yelling at it and asking it why it sucks so freakin' much.
Why would that annoy you? I know if I'm not enjoying a book I close it & move on to the next one. Why torture myself with something I don't like?
well, sex sells, so does soft core porn apparently.
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